In a day and age when Google grants every perv his greatest pixilated wishes and the world's sexiest bashes are broadcast on Wild On E!, our little fetish nights just aren't cutting it.

And so I present to you, in honor of International Orgasm Day (Aug. 8) and in an attempt to inch our city onto the erotic radar, Paper Doll's Guide to Sexy Ideas We Should Steal From Other Cities:

Founded in 2000, Detroit's Dirty Show is a massive exhibition of erotic artwork. Featuring the coquettish oils of Tracee Miller and the underworldish pop nudes of Glenn Barr, plus the works of more than 200 others, it torpedoes the question of porn vs. art.

Going west, we get Babeland's Project Sex Toy, an annual design competition where Los Angelenos try their hand at creating naughty get-'er-offers. Past judges have included urological pioneer Dr. Jennifer Berman and California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey. (Somebody get Lynn Swann on the phone!) Across town, Aphrodisiac restaurant has built its entire menu around the age-old wisdom that your next lovemaking session is just an oyster (or chili pepper or garlic bulb) away. There are even bedrooms on the premises for couples that can't wait for the check to arrive.

San Francisco's yearly Masturbate-A-Thon has featured hedonistic heavyweights Nina Hartley and Carol Queen, plus porn star Carmen Luvana masturbating live. The fundraiser benefits the Center for Sex and Culture, and voyeurs get to watch participants vie for such trophies as Longest Time Spent Masturbating and Most Orgasms.

On the opposite coast, SoHo's newly opened Kiki de Montparnasse sells sex toys for the six-figure set in an adult shop unlike any this side of Agent Provocateur. Dildos are not called dildos at this elegant retailer — they're dilettos, and they're objets d'art handcrafted from natural volcanic glass ($1,750). Described as "Madame de Pompadour meets Monica Vitti; Louis XIV meets Carlo Mollino," Kiki's store interior is de facto de Sade — all lacquer bondage cabinets, hoop chandeliers hung from baroque plaster rosettes and Helmut Newton originals. Other bank breakers include diamond-studded cock rings ($795), rose quartz butt plugs ($750) and titanium vibrators ($450).

Also in NYC: "Lusty Lady" Rachel Kramer Bussel's monthly In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series, which lures its audience with the promise of free cupcakes and tantalizing wordage. Comedians, sex columnists, lesbian erotica editors, adult stars and more confess their raunchiest, raciest, most rocking-est bedroom escapades — sometimes in iambic pentameter, sometimes freestyle.

And let's not forget the semi-annual World Naked Bike Ride, which has entertained gas-guzzling rubberneckers since 2004. Nearly 50 cities' worth of adventure bikers have hopped on their Schwinns in the buff, including peeps from Boulder, Tampa Bay, Washington, D.C., and Burlington.

Vermont, people! We've got some serious disrobing to do.