Small Bites :: Philadelphia City Paper. 25 Years of Independent Journalism.

S o, it was freaking hot last week. Like shoes-melting-to-the-sidewalk hot. Dehydration hot. Religious sorts would say apocalyptically hot. And, as John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats once observed, there are no pan-Asian supermarkets in Hell.

Which is why I decided to hit up the city's corner stores and Vietnamese restaurant annexes, sampling myriad Asian soft drinks. While many fruit-based flavors appear tantalizing — sublime even — others of more dubious origin (grass jelly?) boggle the mind. Was this some kind of beverage-based torture? Would it make Mountain Dew taste good by comparison?

Thirsty and sweaty, I drank up. Here's what I found.

What: Golden King Wax Gourd Drink
Where: New World Laundromat and Food Market, 136 N. 10th St., 215-238-1577
The Verdict: Not bad. Tea-colored, with a tart butternut squashlike flavor and a sweet aftertaste. That last part comes from the cane sugar, and I'm glad the folks at Golden King thought of it.
Gag Reflex: Went down smooth!

What: New Lamthong Pennywort Drink
Where: Chung May Food Market, 1017-1021 Race St., 215-625-8883
The Verdict: What the hell is pennywort? This stuff looks like the contents of the chemical vat that swallowed the Joker in Tim Burton's Batman, and tastes like bitter rainwater.
Gag Reflex: Didn't kill me, didn't make me stronger.

What: Yeo's Soymilk
Where: Fu-Wah Mini Market, 810 S. 47th St., 215-729-2993
The Verdict: Maybe I'm a lousy vegetarian, but I can't get into this stuff. It's pasty, has mysteriously sharp overtones and feels lumpy passing through my teeth. I'll take cattle lactations, thanks.
Gag Reflex: Better on breakfast cereal.

What: Chin Chin Grass Jelly Drink
Where: PP Grocery Oriental Food Market & Merchandise, 4307 Locust St., 215-387-3509
The Verdict: This one definitely had lumps: the titular jelly. Drinks should not have lumps of ill-flavored, pruney-tasting jelly in them, nor should they be this opaque.
Gag Reflex: Couldn't finish it once I saw the inch-thick layer of jelly at the bottom.

What: Mong Lee Shang Basil Seed Drink
Where: Pho Cafe Viet Huong, 1110 Washington Ave., #2A, 215-336-5030
The Verdict: Shit. They're not kidding. There's freaking seeds in there. Gelatinous seeds. Thousands of them. My sister screamed, "Oh my god, they look like frog eggs!" Still, it smelled kind of sweet. And it was less of the iced pesto than I expected, more of a pleasant green tea with the consistency of a watery jello shot.
Gag Reflex: Close your eyes and chug.

(j_vettese@citypaper.net)