Don't get me wrong. This is awesome. That I can potentially tell a roomful of theatergoers that my vagina tastes like egg cream soda is the mark of serious societal progress.

But what about the boys? How do their penises fit into this vag-centric picture? How do they relate to their dicks when they're not formally indisposed, or hotly pursuing formal indisposure? Do they give them names, or assign them anthropomorphic qualities? Do they think that translucent, purplish ring around the middle is weird like I do?

I asked men of varying ages, races and sexual orientations to tell me about their cocks. Many had never spoken in-depth about them before, but were eager to do so.

To start, I found most guys use the same terminology I use when discussing their members: penis in a clinical setting (as in, "Doctor, my penis is covered with papular lesions!"), cock when they're talking dirty (as in, "Put my cock in your mouth" or "I know my cock is tiny, but it really is inside of you") or dick when they're speaking about it in remote or derogatory terms (as in, "Do these jeans make my dick look small?").

A handful of gents had more creative names, including "O-S-C-A-R," the "Big Black Bwang" (aka "Triple B"), "johnny" (a modification of the podunk-popular "johnson"), the self-explanatory "pokey" and "wang." A 44-year-old broker calls his a "wee little pepe," but that's just fucking lame.

Maybe what you call it isn't as important as how you say it, suggested one prettyboy performer. "Penis is so eighth grade health class, [and] I can't bring myself to use the word cock without laughing. Dick serves as a happy medium, except when you say it too gay and the D is pronounced with a Long Island Jewish accent, like dz-iiick."

By and large, however, I found that most guys don't refer to their cocks at all. "My dick is anonymous, barely thought of," a well-read systems analyst tells me. "It's just an extension of myself, not deserving of a name."

OK, but how do these anonymous dicks make their respective owners feel? Are they assigned definable personality traits? Or are they just hangy, veiny thingamabobs not worth a second (nonsexual) thought?

"It's kind of shy, yet easily aroused," says one twentysomething photographer. "I'm not someone who needs a lot of penis attention. It likes to stay in the shadows and observe."

"My cock is very playful [and] super down for having a good time," says a Brooklyn-based janitor/aspiring porn star. "It has to be. I make a living off it."

Speak of the devil, most guys I grilled seem satisfied with their lot but still compared their pokeys to those of porn stars, skinny-dipping friends or the lone wolf straight guy who whips it out at parties. The prettyboy performer says he did a double take the first time he disrobed his current boyfriend. "No matter what your size, when you see yourself next to someone big, it makes you think, 'Wait, is he big or am I small?'"

My final question was an easy one: Do dicks keep secrets? What don't we know about our guys' members?

"Generally, that I have one," answers a sly, red-headed she-male. "She's pretty outgoing once you get to know her."