Four weeks ago, the IRS announced it would be closing that processing center behind the chain link fence, forcing more than 5,000 Philadelphians out of jobs.

I need to learn to keep my sneer to myself.

While the IRS promised that it would try to help those people find jobs elsewhere — either with the U.S. government or the private sector — I wouldn't hold my breath. It's not as if the IRS is in the business of creating new positions these days.

Just this past weekend, the New York Times reported that the IRS was turning over the job of collecting delinquent taxes to private debt collectors. You know, those flaming assholes who call six, seven, eight, 14 times a day, hounding you until you either find yourself reading the routing number from the bottom of one of your checks or searching for a sharp kitchen implement to shove up your nose, hoping you'll pierce your brain so you don't have to deal with these kinds of calls anymore.

The IRS is no picnic. But at least they're professional. These heartless fuckers, though...

I know of debt collectors. I've always made my living with writing and editing. I've also always been bad with numbers, money and anything requiring the use of the right side of the human brain. Put the two together — low-paying field, math-impaired dork — and it's the recipe for a fiscal apocalypse. Shit got late. Calls started coming. One dark weekend over 10 years ago, I realized that suddenly, the phone had stopped ringing. My God — had the collectors finally given up?

No. Bell Atlantic had turned off my phone.

Anyway, I'm not encouraging you to be a tax scofflaw, or not pay what you owe. I'm just questioning the merit of turning over a government function to a bunch of slimeballs who, like some mutant form of psychic vampire, seem to slake their thirst on human misery.

Plus, it's going to cost us all a fuckload more money.

Wait — you didn't think privatization was actually going to save us taxpayers some coin, did you?

According to the Congressional testimony of a former IRS commissioner, hiring private thugs to collect back taxes would cost us 22 to 24 cents on the dollar. (For those of you who are bad at math like me, this means for every dollar the government collects, these checking account ghouls will pocket close to 25 cents.)

By comparison, hiring more IRS revenue officers would only cost 3 cents on the dollar.

The money that government thinks it can recover by using these harpies of the human soul — whose voices are so loathsome that they have been proven to shatter panes of glass a mile away? About $1.4 billion.

The money that IRS officers could potentially haul in? Nine billion dollars.

Even Mark W. Everson, the tax commissioner, said privatizing would cost more. "I freely admit it," he told the Times.

And I thought I was bad at math.

Meanwhile, there are a lot of people, here in Philly, and up and down the East Coast, who could really use a job. People who wouldn't necessarily relish the sound of someone's back when it's pushed up against the wall. People who could help counsel a debtor, and help him or her find a way out of a financial nightmare — not add to the horror.

I'm happy to announce that Drew Lazor — who writes our weekly "Feeding Frenzy" column, and much, much more — is joining the staff as an assistant editor.

"I'm truly honored to be working alongside such seasoned professionals," says Drew. "And, of course, I'm looking forward to improving as a writer. All kidding aside, I just really needed structure in my life. I graduated college in May, which is just a nice way of saying that I spent a majority of each day watching Full House marathons, Korean soap operas, caber tossing ... you name it. Since there are no televisions around here, I can actually get a lot done. Thanks, City Paper ."

We predict we'll have broken Drew's soul by November, December-ish. Welcome aboard, kid.

(duane@citypaper.net)