Former Mayor Wilson Goode is awarded the $100,000 Purpose Prize, honoring individuals 60 and older "who are trying to solve America's social problems." Says Goode, "I'm gonna go make a down payment on a time machine. I'm responsible for a lot of social problems." Plus 2

Vandals pour soap into the fountain at Love Park. "Who would've done such a thing?!" ask incredulous out-of-town bike couriers, looking dapper and zestfully clean. Plus 1

Plainclothes cops finally nab a perp who has robbed the same West Oak Lane 7-Eleven seven times. "So freaky," says officer. "Reminds me of the crying Wawa bandit we had a few years back." Plus 2

Fox 29 personality Jennaphr Frederick is being considered for a View-esque national TV show to debut in December. "Phr real?" asks a stunned Frederick. "If I get this gig, I'll go out and buy a phr coat, and phrthermore, this would be phr and away the best thing that's ephr happened to me." Even

Infuriated by sexual assault charges against Don Vito, Bam Margera storms out of his own Sirius Satellite show and, to vent, goes running in the rain while listening to death metal. Upon return, Bam learns he's being considered for spot on View-esque national TV show. Plus 1

Sen. Vincent Fumo sells his family's long-established banking company for $94 million; he'll make approximately $19 million from the deal. "With the proceeds, I plan on tithing my church and giving the rest to Philadelphia's oh-so-needy poor," IMs Fumo, responding to a interview request from Bell Curve. "ROTFLMAO ;P" Even

Northern Liberties experiences a surge in possum sightings. Relax folks, those are just second-generation hipsters walking off to class at The Kurt Heasley Charter School for Juggling. Plus 2