Aid or Invade :: Philadelphia City Paper. 25 Years of Independent Journalism.

Artist: Tarkan

Album: Come Closer

Country of origin: Turkey

In a recent survey of public acceptance of the theory of evolution in 34 "Westernized" countries (defined as any nation with at least three flush toilets, two rolls of toilet paper and one Johnny Rockets theme restaurant) the United States placed at number 33. For saving the U.S. of A. from the disgrace of having been at the very bottom of the list, Aid or Invade would like to salute Turkey, the country that came in at number 34, by focusing on Turkish singer-songwriter Tarkan.

One quick glance at Tarkan's bedroom eyes on the cover of his new CD, Come Closer (released on the Hitt label), should be enough to tell you that the packaging was designed to appeal to the ladies — as well as roughly 80 percent of the prison guards in the movie Midnight Express. And one quick glance at Tarkan's wardrobe should be enough to tell you that Lenny Kravitz's yard sale was a resounding success.

Musically, Tarkan presides over a candy store stocked with delightful Turkish-flavored dance tunes that border on being almost enjoyable. Tragically, that hardly justifies the horror that is Come Closer's lyrics. Sweet Turkish Jesus in a taffy-pulling contest, no matter how many Fiona Apple CDs you've managed to survive, nothing can prepare you for the lyrical Istanbullshit served up in "I'm Gonna Make You Feel Good," a song that actually includes the lines "The only kind of stress is should we both undress," "Pull the shades; let's do it with the lights on" and this priceless couplet:

"Spinning around inside your brain

LIKE A SEXY KIND OF HURRICANE."

Hey Tarky, it's only been a little over a year since Katrina. You might want to take it easy on the hurricane references if you ever plan on playing the Big Easy.

Verdict:

Tarkan really needs to be stopped before he pens the lines "I'll play the daddy and you'll play the mommy. Like a sexy kind of tsunami."

Come closer to rodneyanonymous.com.