The joke is weak, but the actual movie is even weaker. Imagine Waterworld without the gills, or Officer and a Gentleman without Lou Gossett. The Guardian is as dull as a heroic redemption story could be. Begin with the formulaic casting: Costner as legendary Coast Guard rescue swimmer Ben Randall and Ashton Kutcher as his cocky student Jake Fischer (whose name suggests he was born to the job). The reason for Randall's consignment to teaching duty comes up in the film's second chaotic at-sea rescue mission (the first shows Ben at his best, cold-cocking a victim for being an asshole, earning the admiration of the guy's nearly-drowned wife and revealing Ben's inspired efficiency). The crisis scene features what you expect — things go very wrong and Ben feels guilty over a death.

THE BODYGUARDIAN: Melissa Sagemiller comforts Ashton Kutcher (after a cruel punking by Kevin Costner).

As Ben is damaged by a night on the freezing Bering Sea off the Alaskan coast, his ensuing nightmares, and the fact that his wife, Helen (Sela Ward), is asking for a divorce, Capt. Hadley (Clancy Brown) sends him to train new swimmers at the academy. In between chewing Vicodins and slugging Wild Turkey, Ben grumps at the recruits, who, apart from the self-loving Jake, range from ignorant to timid. Still angry at himself and plainly in need of living up to his legendary status in the eyes of his fellow trainers, including the resentful Jack (Neal McDonough) and skeptical presiding officer Larson (John Heard).

For 18 weeks, Ben puts the recruits through grueling drills, calls Helen to beg forgiveness, and rescues Jake's honor following a beatdown by Navy guys at the "squid bar" where the Coast Guard recruits aren't allowed. Per formula, Jake has his own issues, including a secret trauma in his past and his uneven courtship of local girl Emily (Melissa Sagemiller, more or less revisiting her role as the local girl in Sleeper Cell). The intersections of Ben and Jake's difficulties — their similar arrogance, histories and needs — make them ideal father-son-ish partners (Ben nicknames him "Goldfish"), their disagreements and reconciliations forming the film's central rhythms.

The pity is that these rhythms are so utterly predictable. Why has no one in this squad ever seen The Sands of Iwo Jima or Top Gun? Though the trainees include a girl among their number, the focus here is bigtime male-bonding, as Ben and Jake see themselves in each other, to the exclusion of anyone else. When Emily suggests Jake is misreading their man-tension — "Maybe he's trying to push you to be better" — Jake sets her straight: "He knows I'm better than he is!" By the time Jake has his big breakdown scene (he cries, though he doesn't actually say, "I got nowhere else to go!"), it's clear that, for all their earnest actorly efforts, neither man has a chance against this script.

(c_fuchs@citypaper.net)