Aid Or Invade

Finland

by Rodney Anonymous

Artists: JPP

Album: Artology

Country of Origin: Finland

Any American high school student can tell you that Finland is a small island located some 40 miles north of the Arctic circle in the same archipelago as the Isle of Misfit Toys. Finland is also the home to GWAR-esque monster-rockers Lodi — a review of whose new CD, The Arockalypse, you would be reading right now had it been available in American record stores. Unfortunately, the only album occupying the Finland bin was Artology.

So now, gentle reader, you find yourself reading a fart joke-peppered review of a CD from a band that you don't give a damn about, nor will you ever give a damn about. Who can blame you? It's Finnish fiddle music, for crap's sake. Dress it up all you want and it'll still be Finnish fiddle music. Do you know who cares about Finnish fiddle music?

Nobody.

Not even Finnish fiddlers. The fact that Finnish fiddle tunes is an actual genre of music should be enough to make us all sleep with the lights on.

Yes, aid. Although one reviewer, perhaps on a dare, wrote that Artology sends the listener "on an exciting melodic journey through the heart of Ostrobothnian fiddle country," the decision to Aid rather than Invade is based solely on the fact that track number nine, "Roudaneristyspolkka," translates as "Frost Separation Polka." In these trying and uncertain times, don't we all need a polka that we can separate our frost by?