Mom & Pop Sex Shop, Pt. IV

Answering life's most difficult questions...

by Ashlea Halpern

"Hello, 1-900-Sex-Line."

This is how my father picks up the phone these days — at least when he knows it's me. Lucky for y'all, his phone has been ringing off the hook as I seek answers to your deep, dark nastyboy questions. Just a word of caution: Take that bit about the plunger seriously. The paramedics in this town are already overworked.

Q: When I was about 37, my then-boyfriend taught me how to give a great blowjob, and I've been giving them ever since. My last boyfriend, who I broke up with for a variety of reasons, had an outdoor pool. He's a prude sexually. However, I skinny-dipped in his pool while he would suntan on a raft, and I pulled him into the water, pulled down his swim trunks and gave him an underwater blowjob. Boy, did he ever love that! I let the cum float out in the pool and it was beautiful to behold. I only had one boyfriend whose cum I swallowed. How do we handle the eternal question: Do I swallow?

Mom: I didn't realize there was an eternal question on whether or not to swallow. First of all, know your partner. Second, if you like the taste or can tolerate it, go for it. If you don't, your answer is pretty clear — cleanup on aisle three.

Dad: Don't swallow if it'll cause you to drown. This is underwater, right?

Q: I'm a married white male, 55 years old, from Northeast Philly. For many years, I've been orally submissive with guys. I mostly enjoy feelings of "humiliation" because I also like to rim them, suck their feet and toes, be verbally abused and wear submissive things like panties, collars, whatever. Lately, I've started meeting with a guy who visits Philly several times a year from out of town. I want him to top me anally, but I've never done that because my anal muscles are extremely tight. I purchased a butt plug which I can get about halfway in, but I can only fit one finger into my anus afterward, never two. How can I stretch my anal muscles? And is there a limit as to how far a guy can shove his cock into my rectum without hitting something and hurting me? I really like this guy, and want to be able to do this for him.

Mom: Relaxation is the key to stretching your anal muscles, but it sounds like it just isn't happening. Give it up or settle for a finger. As for how far a cock can go, I haven't a clue. I would assume until it runs out! Why the hell are you worrying about cock size anyway when you can't even get past your finger?

Dad: They say a plunger's too long. Unless you're shitting peanuts, your butt can at least expand as big as your turds. Put that into perspective. But really, there's nothing humanly anatomical that would be damaging. When they do a freakin' colonoscopy, they go all the way up to your small intestines. Just start with something tinier than a butt plug. Maybe an enema nozzle highly greased with lubricant.

Q: I want to dress sexy for Halloween. Do you have any original costume ideas?

Mom: I'm not into role-playing or costumes, but I think the sexiest thing a man can wear is a well-cut business suit. Polish and sophistication turn me on.

Dad: Why not dress as a giant vagina?

Questions? Comments? Experienced in tribadism? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.