Envy & Charity

Newsmakers

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Published: Nov 1, 2006

Most Disarming Liar in City History

When unapologetic PR hitman Brian Tierney and crew bought the dailies, he soothed worries by pledging not to "attempt to influence or interfere" with the news side. Which, to most, came off as sincere. So much so that should the future bring more concerns about, say, the Inky 's casino-story allergies, Tierney's onetime good-guy shtick will go poof, leaving us all to wonder why we once sat back silently during the arrival of a Rupert Murdoch to call our own. Then again, maybe it already went poof, what with these looming new-era-of-journalism layoffs. —Brian Hickey

Most Promising Educator

There used to be just one Mastery Charter School — Lenfest High School in Center City. But the school's unique curriculum and standards yielded such terrific results (the student body entered testing several grades below national norms, but 75 percent went on to four-year colleges after graduation) that the district decided to turn two other schools, in South and West Philadelphia, over to Mastery. Next year, the private nonprofit will take on its fourth school, in Germantown, and if all goes well, there'll be more to come. (35 S. Fourth St., 215-922-1903) —Doron Taussig

Envy & Charity

Illustration : Evan M. Lopez

Best Local Ex-President Appearance Since Point Break Dropped at the Eric

On Oct. 5, Sister Mary Scullion and tiny, arena-football-guy Jon Bon Jovi announced they'd renovate 15 beat-up North Philly shells and flip them to the needy. That good stuff got better when chick magnet Bill Clinton took the mic and announced, "I love this city ... [which] still, in so many ways, is the heartbeat of America." (Take that, Chevy.) Ego stroking — heh — aside, he then declared that the project would be green-friendly ... as should all future development. Oh Bill, how we miss thee. Can you dress up like the wife and be all presidential again in a couple years? —Brian Hickey

"OMG, U Shoulda Said POS" Regrettable E-mail Exchange Award

Staffer A: "He is back on the email kick he had me check every PC in here to make sure no one is saving his mail. How are you making out with that up there?"
Staffer B: "People are doing a really good job of policing themselves. That makes me happy."
Staffer A: "I would let [the Senator] know."

—Taken from the U.S. Attorney's May 2006 press release announcing two computer-service employees working for state Sen. Vincent Fumo had been charged with the "widespread destruction of email and other electronic evidence in an attempt to keep this evidence from FBI scrutiny in the course of an ongoing federal investigation." —Brian Hickey

Impromptu Flash Mob Least Worthy of Coverage

In September, some idealistic kiddies decided to stick it to xeno-steaks by ordering Geno's in foreign tongues. The fuzz were notified, said kiddies left in a huff, the inept-a-fest's now immortalized on YouTube, blah blah blah. They failed to realize, however, that their rage against the grill succeeded in achieving the only thing owner Joey Vento truly cares about: free publicity. Then again, this here blurb serves the same exact purpose, so who are we to criticize? You sly, sly dog, Vento. —Drew Lazor

Impromptu Flash Mob Most Worthy of Coverage

In an era rife with terrorist-fostered paranoia and disturbing MLB-pitcher-related mishaps, humanity simply needs a childish (and child-proof) outlet for all its quiet rage. This year, it came on Tax Day when a slew of civilians armed with concealed weapons of the featherdown variety took over Love Park. As the crowd pummeled each other with sleep accessories, a nary-heard sound trickled over Philly's hardened blocks: giggling. Loads and loads of giddy giggling. Can't it all be so simple? —Drew Lazor

It's a smackdown! Check our Seven Nastiest Feuds.

Most Unexpected Places to (Allegedly) Grab a Gat

In September, the U.S. Attorney's Office announced the conviction of a West Philadelphia imam for selling weapons — 11 handguns and assault rifles, to be exact — out of a clothing stand at 52nd and Market streets. But just when we thought that was the oddest place to arm up, the ATF nabbed a hair-man at Kazoo's Barber Shop in Center City. We don't expect they'll take a little off the top of his potential 10-year sentence. —Brian Hickey

Best Use of Grief Following a Child's Murder

With all due respect to local anti-violence activists spurred into action by personal tragedy, Michael Berg's quixotic run for U.S. Congress in Delaware resonates. It's one thing to not lose one's sanity after your son's 2004 Web-broadcast death by beheading, but the Green Party candidate channelled his energy into furthering the public discourse on Iraq when many didn't want to talk about it. —Brian Hickey

Person Most Likely to Sniff Lynne Abraham's Throne

Now that it's clear Mrs. D.A. won't be back for a fifth term in 2010, Seth Williams is bound to make another bid for the top prosecutor's seat. And if we may say so ourselves a few years early: This is good. As inspector general, Williams has fattened his do-gooder file by, among other things, targeting city employees who flout the residency requirement by living 'burbside. We suspect he'll even go after the bigger, more corrupt fish that Abraham tossed aside. —Jenna Portnoy

Most Ubiquitous Assistant District Attorney

Does the name of the prosecutor in the Pier 34 trial sound vaguely familiar to you, too? Every time a high-profile case comes along these days, it seems, D.A. Lynne Abraham calls on Jude Conroy to put it down. In addition to the Club Heat owners, Conroy has prosecuted Jason Sweeney's killers, and is prosecuting both the man who instructed his daughter not to testify in the Faheem Thomas Childs case and the man accused of killing police officer Gary Skerski. —Doron Taussig

Best Trend in Local Politics

With Ray Murphy rallying the anti-Santorum troops, statewide voters throwing the pay-raise bums out, Tony Payton fighting the machine and winning the long-underrepresented 179th and Brett Mandel loudly chiding the mayor — among many others — a grassroots power-reclamation movement has taken root amid the age-old weeds of corruption and contentment. Finally. —Brian Hickey

Best Colbert Stooge

Hey Smerconish. Saw you on the Report. Remember all those times you appeared to be on the same page? He was fucking with you. —Patrick Rapa

Biggest Reason Why the Inky and Daily News Political Sections Seem Emptier

When the gates at the Federal Correctional Institution in Fort Dix slammed shut behind inmate 60043-066 this summer, predictably entertaining Rick Mariano erupts stories disappeared until March 24, 2012. —Brian Hickey

Biggest Reason Why the Inky and Daily News Political Sections Will Seem More Full Well Before March 24, 2012

Nutter: Dougherty's a thug. Dougherty: Saidel's an establishment hack. Saidel: At least I'm not a pinkie-off-the-tea-cup millionaire like Knox. Knox: I'm the fresh choice, unlike those retreads Evans and Fattah. Evans and Fattah: You didn't hear it from us, but how far did the apple fall from the Rizzo tree? And reporters, ours included, will gladly stoke the did-you-hear-what-he-called-you mayoral-race brush fires. Which reminds us, did you hear what Nutter said about Dougherty? —Brian Hickey

Biggest Reason Why the Inky and Daily News Political Sections Will Seem More Full Well Before March 24, 2012 (Runner-Up)

Incoming Counciljackal Carol Campbell, who, thanks to our same-as-the-old-boss political machinery, is front-runner to pick up where inmate 60043-066 left off. —Brian Hickey

Biggest Guilt-by-Association Victim, Non-Corey Kemp Division

Longtime Fairmount ward leader Bill Greenlee is, by all man-on-the-street accounts, a good guy worthy of picking up where his mentor David Cohen left off. Shame he'll be stuck with the rep of rising to a Council seat thanks to backroom king-making. —Brian Hickey

Best Coming Around of Something That Went Around

Terrell Owens makes three meaningless catches while losing his mega-hyped return to the Linc. And the popcorn was delicious that day, my friend. —Brian Hickey

Best Example of Philly-Style Governance

Say what you will about the smoking ban (I'll still spit on the grave of anybody who thinks business owners shouldn't decide for themselves; and yes, I intend to outlive them all), but the absurd manner in which politicos botched the implementation is a civic embarrassment. Yet, you saw the utterly avoidable confusion coming, dincha? Had Mayor Street just waited till January as intended, bar owners would already know what the hell to do, rather than being left to blindly guess whether the two — yes, two, for the whole city — enforcers would be coming by with their ticket books. But at least he got on the news that night. Go, mayor! —Brian Hickey

Worst Effect of Said Philly-Style Governance

The sad September day when the word "No" was written on the "Smoking Permitted" sign on the wall at Fairmount's kick-ass tappie Krupa's, where, even though a can of Miller Lite and shot of Jäger still comes in under $5, one can no longer enjoy them with a Parliament as God himself intended. (Hope you don't think I forgot, Nutter.) —Brian Hickey

Most Outspoken City Employee

Most department heads seek Mayor Street's permission before breathing the fine city air. This makes Lance Haver a rare duck. A guy who took a respite from activism to raise fish and basil in urban farm harmony would stick out most places. Still, we bestow much love upon the city's first director of consumer affairs for lambasting the Water Department when it asks for a rate increase, and holding SEPTA to task for shoddy service. —Jenna Portnoy

Kindest Homewrecker

A good guy in a no-good business, Dennis O'Connell is one of two divorce masters for Philadelphia Family Court. As such, the Penn Law School grad has presided over thousands of divorces. The number of Philadelphia County divorces is down since the early '80s, but he still annually settles some 500 sticky disputes involving personal property, business interests, second homes or stock options. The law and his own marital status — O'Connell's a lifetime bachelor — keep him impartial. —J.F. Pirro

Best Hope for Men with Bad Hair Everywhere, Non-Saidel Division

Eagles guru and all-around-gooood-guy Ray Didinger is, quite simply, pimp. Even if his matted mane reminds us of what ours'd look like after removing a gimp mask. —Brian Hickey

Most Evil Building Bent on World Domination

Yes, the Convention Center brings in lots of business, mostly for hotels. But wouldn't it be nice if our government cared about those of us for whom Philly is more than a place to walk around in a suit picking up brochures? You know, those of us who live here? The planned expansion will push out PAFA, The Fabric Workshop, Vox Populi, Highwire Gallery and the Asian Arts Initiative, plus some gorgeous architectural structures. Now there's some brotherly love. (1101 Arch St., 215-418-4700, www.paconvention.com) —Rachel Frankford

Best Headline, Non-CP Division

We concede that the masters of this universe reside in the basement of 400 N. Broad St. And while "Side Order of Lead" doesn't present itself often — only when a Merlino pal gets shot up at a diner — Daily News Editor in Chief Michael Days picked a couple of notable headlines from the past year. "When our beloved vice president accidentally shot his buddy, we topped our front-page story with DEADEYE DICK," says Days. Nice. But our favorite came after former Phillies' catcher Darren "Dutch" Daulton went public with the thought that he may live in a different dimension. That instant classic? DUTCH WONDERLAND . —Brian Hickey

Best Representing Representative

While some politicians are afraid to step foot in the 'hood, even if they represent it, state Sen. Anthony Williams continues organizing anti-violence events in impoverished areas and highlighting positive change through local vendors and job-assistance programs. Such initiatives, and the simple fact that Williams does more than just stop by for a photo-op and leave, give residents hope that things may just be all right after all. —Deesha Dyer

Coolest Vanity Fair Feature About a Philadelphia Native

If it weren't for Clarence Jones , Martin Luther King Jr. might have never become Martin Luther King Jr. Born in North Philadelphia to a man who gardened and chauffeured and a woman who served as a maid and cook for rich whites, Jones rose to become, according to the April article, "The Man Who Kept King's Secrets." We all owe Jones a debt of gratitude, as well: If he hadn't smuggled pages from a yellow legal pad for King, the world may never have read a "Letter from a Birmingham Jail." —Brian Hickey

Middle-Aged Person Who Needs to be Reminded That It's Awkward When Someone of His Age, Experience and Accomplishment References Gnarls Barkley

Daniel Rubin knows that we all read — and generally heart — Blinq, his pop-culture-centric Inky blog bonanza. But we'd be lying if we said we didn't tug our overpriced Ben Sherman collars after reading turns like this: "There might be a better song this summer than Gnarls Barkley's 'Crazy.' We just haven't heard it yet." Holy there's-no-such-thing-as-a-generation-gap, Batman! (blogs.philly.com/blinq/2006/08/pete_yorn_north.html) —Drew Lazor

Most Quickly Forgotten Deserving Convict

It's life behind bars for Stephen Poaches, the wormy 27-year-old West Philadelphian who took it upon himself to murder LaToyia Figueroa, the waitress/model pregnant with his child, and dump her in a Chester lot. The August 2005 murder was big news, until it got lost in the mix of hundreds of other homicides. —Brian Hickey

Worst Proposed Fence North of the Rio Grande

If freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, the National Park Service wants to fill us all to the brim. The July day it announced plans, since dismissed, to build a 7-foot-tall iron barrier through Independence Mall — you know, that place where what once served as American democracy was born — a little piece of liberty died. At the hands of people charged with protecting icons of it, no less. For shame. —Brian Hickey

Best Parade

If the ugly floats and cheesy balloons of the Thanksgiving Day parade make you thankful for high winds and dangling power lines, or if you can no longer tell the feathered-and-sequined men in the Pride Fest parade from the feathered-and-sequined men in the Mummers parade, then you've probably lost faith in Philly's ability to put on a decent festive procession. That faith can only be restored by the Rosenbach Museum's annual Dracula parade. Held on the Saturday evening before Halloween, and featuring puppets and costumes (including wolves, a three-mast ship and an army of garlic bulbs) created by the Spiral Q Puppet Theater, the Dracula parade celebrates the book that was conceived in the heart of our very own city: The Rosenbach's collection includes Bram Stoker's notes and outlines for Dracula , penned while he was staying at the Bellevue-Stratford Hotel. Sadly, the Legionnaires' Disease parade remains an unfulfilled dream. (Rosenbach Museum, 2008-2010 Delancey Place, 215-732-1600, www.rosenbach.org)—Rodney Anonymous

Best Omen of the Fiscal Cataclysm Awaiting Philly's Next Mayor

We the people who can't get our hands near the gift cow's teat agree: The city's DROP program is a fiscal boondoggle in which retiring city employees get one last chance to loot the treasury before sailing off to Tahiti on their new yachts. All of which means the September loss of $5 million from the retirement fund was merely a sign that it's gonna be spraygrounds from here on out. —Brian Hickey

Most Missed Radio Personality

Screw you, Big Talker, for taking Rollye James off the air. Seriously, after a full day of 1210 AM's hate speech, conservative bullshitting and Bush sycophanticide, would it kill you to turn the airwaves over to somebody with a different viewpoint? I mean, Bill O'Reilly repeats? Are you shitting me? You suck, Big Talker. You suck. (www.rollye.net) —Patrick Rapa

Dumbest Copette

It's been five long years since two lady officers had the time of their lives joking about anthrax on their squad-car computers only to have some people take the threat, you know, seriously, like a month after 9/11. Well, it's your lucky year, Gina McFadden and Dawn Norman! Dispatcher Patricia Bradley allegedly ran license-plate information for a chum who planned to rob the owner. Darlin', we know the po-po misses a lot, but they're probably sharp when it comes to breaking cases that occur, like, in their building. We hope. —Brian Hickey

Bitches Most in Need of a Reality Check

The Philadelphia Parking Authority's relentless ticketing of scooters has gotten totally out of hand. Here's the deal: No vehicles can park on the sidewalk. Fair enough. We don't need some Humvee hogging all the cement. But scooters — which are one-third the size of motorcycles, and hardly any more of a nuisance than bicycles — are stuck in limbo land. Too lightweight and stealable to leave unlocked in a parking space; too big and vehicular to put against a bike rack. Throw it in a spot and you risk some Escalade bulldozing it over in Old City. Hide it down an alley way and some meter maid will hunt it out like a wolverine on a porkchop. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT US TO DO, PPA? I can be relentless, too. I'll see you in traffic court. —Ashlea Halpern

SHE WOULD DIE 4 HIM: Postal worker Karen Lassiter thinks "obsessed" is too strong a word to describe it, but one look at her work station — and forearm — makes it clear that she, un, really likes Prince a lot.

Michael T. Regan

Most Crazed Prince Fan in a Center City Post Office

Having seen New York's bulletproof post offices, I can safely say the helpful, friendly crew at Philly's Fourth and South location is a godsend. Especially Karen Lassiter , the envelope-shuffling clerk known to many simply as "The Prince Lady." As in the artist formerly known as. As in the dozens of photos, magazine clippings and record sleeves that decorate Lassiter's work area. "Obsession is a really strong word," she says. "I'm not following him state to state or writing him love letters; I'm just enamored with his ability to make great music and perform." Aside from a life-size cardboard cutout in her living room and a Christmas gift mural above her fireplace, Lassiter's been to more than 20 Prince shows and isn't about to stop anytime soon. "In the long run, it's all about the music," she explains. "He could walk around in a G-string and a hockey mask, and I wouldn't care." —Andrew Parks

CP Choice Goes to Hell
Sloth & Zeal
Gluttony & Moderation
Lust & Abstinence
Pride & Humility
Greed & Generosity
Wrath & Meekness
Choice Sidebar: Vegetarian
Choice Sidebar: Feuds
Choice Sidebar: Bikes
Choice Sidebar: Kids