Wrath & Meekness

Sports and Recreation

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Published: Nov 1, 2006

BEST PLACE TO WATCH CRICKET AND SMELL CHICKEN CURRY

Drive out to Belmont Avenue and Edgley Drive in Fairmount Park on a weekend day between April and October and you're liable to stumble onto a United Nations of batsmen and bowlers. Indians, Pakistanis, Englishmen, Aussies — the Prior Cricket Club plays as many as 50 matches a season out there. Bring a picnic to the little clubhouse; the players take snacks between innings. —Trey Popp

BEST HUMAN BEING IN LOCAL SPORTS

Having come back from a broken leg in time for Super Bowl XXXIX ... c'mon, a joke. Cementing himself as Philly's anti-T.O. is Philadelphia Kixx assistant coach Adam Bruckner, who, every Monday, sets up shop across the street from the Free Library Central Branch and hands out checks, from his personal account, to help the city's homeless get the jobs they need to get off the streets. —Brian Hickey

Wrath & Meekness

Illustration : Evan M. Lopez

TEAM MOST LIKELY TO BE BEATEN UP BY ITS COACH

Our Calder-Cup-champ Philadelphia Phantoms boast quite the bloody-on-the-ice reputation. But they best watch their mouths this season: New head coach Craig Berube, who ranks seventh all-time in NHL career penalty minutes with 3,149, will surely beat the sass out of any kid, Canuck or otherwise, foolish enough to defy his logic. Seriously, the guy is fucking tough. He can probably punch people through the phone. —Drew Lazor

MOST AMAZING FITNESS AND SPIRITUALITY COMBO

Uhuru Block Party. Puerto Rican Day Festival. Hunger Walk. ASCAB Capoeira is all about outreach — witness the recent Fringe Festival show held in the ASCAB studio. Those who take up this graceful form of self-defense become devoted to its practice and principles. Not to mention good causes. (www.ascabcapoeira.org) —Mary Armstrong

LEAST BITCHY BIKE SHOP

Nestled somewhere in the space between the low-body-fat exclusivity of Manayunk's Cadence and the rusty superabundance of Via, Bryan VanArsdale's yearling Bicycle Revolutions may be the best bike shop in Philly. Half gallery, half wheelshop, Revolutions has the unique feel of a shop assembled by a single personality. VanArsdale's knowledge and advice, along with his skill as mechanic and builder, effectively fills a gap in our two-wheeled culture. (712 S. Fourth St., 215-629-2453) —Justin Bauer

BEST AMBASSADOR FOR THE HALF-BALL GAME

Street-sport saints like Frankford native George Krauter are usually lifers. He started playing half-ball in a Rosalie Street alley in elementary school. Now, at 75, he's played in Korea, Spain, Italy and 12 U.S. states — and in what he claims was the first and last half-ball game in the Grand Ballroom at the Union League. Krauter fields a team every New Year's Day, featuring men with nicknames like Hose, Hotsie, Lefty and Moose, and an average age of 71 (the oldest is 85). In 2002, he ran a citywide charity tourney for Fox Chase Cancer Center. Stanley Cuppers Dave Schultz, Bobby Kelly and Rick McLeish played. "Try teaching 'Hammer' Kelly to hit half a ball with mom's broom handle," Krauter says. "Guys from Boston claim half-ball originated there, but we all know better. Maybe they'd like to send a team down on New Year's Day." —J.F. PIrro

MOST CONFUSING CITYWIDE SPORTS IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

Every big city (except L.A.) has teams in every major professional sport, but some have clear first loves: Boston, for instance, is a baseball town. For the three years I've been in Philly, it has undeniably been a football town. Even when the Eagles struggled, nothing united the city like that flood of green on Sundays. Then, this fall, seemingly out of nowhere, along came the Fightin' Phils. T.O. drama was temporarily pushed off the back page, and everywhere I went folks wore red. The playoff drive didn't quite reach Birds-level intensity, but it came closer than I expected. Philly, are you a closet baseball town? —Doron Taussig

BEST PLACE TO SEE GROWN MEN PUMMEL ONE ANOTHER

The New Alhambra, a former ECW Arena (E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!), is the city's best venue for all things violent — and innocently homoerotic. Martial artists tossing rear naked chokes around. Professional wrasslers wearing wet neon spandex singlets. Sweaty-as-hell boxers clinching up like reunited high school sweethearts. Um, do you guys offer, like, season passes? (7 Ritner St., 215-755-0611, www.newalhambra.com) —Drew Lazor

BEST ALL-NATURAL STAIRMASTER

Besides hiking, fishing, horseback riding and other officially sanctioned activities at Media's Ridley Creek State Park, there are a few more illicit pleasures to enjoy. I'm talking about

Tyke Town Check our Seven Hot Tips for Tots.

tree-climbing. The park's trees are often left where they fall, and their limbs and arching trunks make for great scaling sites. And the vines all over the park are just waiting for someone (a light person, hopefully) to come and swing. But you didn't hear any of this from me. (1023 Sycamore Mills Rd., Media, 610-892-3900) —Rachel Frankford

FASTEST TURNAROUND

Last year, we gave "Most Disappointing Lack of Lowbrow Entertainment" to our city's extreme lack of bowling destinations. A mere 12 months later, after a gutter-ball renaissance, we now have two fully functional alleys: the way-too-L.A.-for-anyone's-comfort Lucky Strike ("Look at us, look at us! We were featured on Entourage! Seriously!"), and the just-opened North Bowl. When the hell are the go-carts coming? (Lucky Strike Lanes, 1336 Chestnut St., 215-545-2471, www.bowlluckystrike.com; North Bowl, 909 N. Second St., 215-238-BOWL, www.northbowlphilly.com) —Drew Lazor

BEST DE FACTO ROCK GYM

Despite being the only rock gym in Philly, Go Vertical! is no slouch. It has classes for every age and skill level, as well as open climbing all day. It's the largest indoor facility of its kind on the East Coast, with more than 230 routes and 58 ropes available on its 13,500-square-foot climbing area. It's massive, cheap and better than Bowflex. (950 N. Penn St., 215-928-1800, www.govertical.com/philly) —Lou Perseghin

MOST ENDEARING PLAY ON THE PHILLY SPORTS FAN

Roy Zeigler loves Philadelphia — from The Hooters and David Brenner to Tasykakes and Electric Love Muffin. Tuesday nights on "The Best Show on WFMU," Zeigler, who proudly goes by "Philly Boy Roy" and is voiced by Jon Wurster, will often call in to update host Tom Scharpling on his shenanigans in the Delaware Valley. With his high-pitched voice, occasionally incomprehensible accent and blind hatred of New Jersey, Zeigler would not sound out-of-place late at night on WIP bemoaning the fate of dem Eagles. These calls, which have recently ranged from Roy's participation in Yardley's annual "Running of the Cheesesteaks" to sneaking his family of five into a screening of Invincible under one giant homemade Eagles jersey are a loving tribute to many of the stereotypes that make this city unique. (www.wfmu.org) —Jon Solomon

COOLEST WAY TO RELIVE YOUR CHILDHOOD

Suit by day, spy by night, capture-the-flag superstar by Saturday afternoon. Or something like that. Staff members from the Wayfinder Experience, which runs innovative role-playing adventure camps for kids year-round, supervise a capture-the-flag battle every Saturday (year-round-ish) from 1 to 4 p.m. in West Philly's Clark Park. The games get pretty crazy. Are you man/woman/beast enough to withstand the charge of 30 foam-sword-waving kids? (877-WAYFINDER, philly@wayfinderexperience.com) —Rachel Frankford

THE UH-YOU-MISSED-A-SPOT AWARD

Dear Comcast, we saw all the hype about that Day of Service (you even got a featurette on Toyota Sportsnite — score!) for which you gathered lots of volunteers to clean up the area around the outdoor Rizzo Rink at Front and Washington streets. Unfortunately, you forgot to clean up the rink itself. That's Comtarded. Really, a new net would do the trick. Thanks. (Also, you charge way too much for cable. Way too much.) —Patrick Rapa

BEST PLACE TO COLLIDE WITH UNEXPECTED AND KINDA FREAKY WILDLIFE

Though smelly, the Scooo-kill is often quite scenic, and biking along the Schuylkill River Trail from Fairmount Park to Valley Forge is one of the best ways to see it. But beware — the animals can get a bit uppity/stupid. Squirrels, bunnies and — I swear — honest-to-God muskrats run straight for your front wheel just when you've let your guard down. (But in Norristown, it's the humans you gotta watch out for.) —Rachel Frankford

BEST CASE AGAINST TRADING IVERSON

So there I was with a buddy, coldly calculating the pros and cons of dealing the Answer, when my wife chimes in: "If they traded Iverson, we wouldn't have all those adorable little kids wearing his jersey all the time." Shit. She's right. Go to a Sixers' game one of these days and look at all the little kids wearing #3 and carrying basketballs as big as their torsos. We can't trade A.I. It would be like killing off Santa. —Doron Taussig

BEST SLIDE TO MAKE YOUR STOMACH TURN BUTTERFLIES

The gnarliest ride in the city is more than a century old. The giant wooden slide, located in Smith Memorial Playground and Playhouse in Fairmount Park, is 40 feet long and 12 feet wide, with bumps and curves that'll throw your tummy into a tizzy. Grab a rucksack to increase your velocity, and leave the wallet at home — this ride's free. (East Fairmount Park, 215-765-4325, www.smithplayhouse.org) —Helen i-lin Hwang

LONE REASON TO WATCH 2006-'07 FLYERS HOCKEY

The first period ends but you're rendered immobile. The rationale? Steve Coates' shtick during early intermission cannot be missed. When the Comcast SportsNet/Flyers personality dons a fat suit to challenge a player on ice or schools his audience with his wise-cracking, trivia-filled ways on Coatesy's Corner, everybody listens. The former player has a voice that's nearly essential to the game. (3601 S. Broad St., 215-336-3500, www.comcastsportsnet.com) —Kelly White

MOST PRODIGAL SON THAT RETURNED HOME

Near the end of the Phillies season, Jamie Moyer asked his parents, Joan and James Moyer, if he could come home, down Route 309 to Souderton, to sleep in his old single bed. A Souderton High and St. Joe's University product, the Sellersville-born left-hander slipped past the oft-criticized Phillies scouting system — and won 211 games elsewhere before the team traded for him on Aug. 19. Fittingly, he beat the Phils in his 1986 MLB debut with the Cubs. Finally, Moyer, 43, is in his career's home stretch. Wonder how the Phils would have fared with those 10 extra wins a season for the last two decades? —J.F. PIrro

MEAN GIRLS: The Philadelphia Phoenix, of the National Women's Football Association, will knock you three ways to Friday night if the mood strikes. photo by: Michael T. Regan

MOST DANGEROUS AND DANGEROUSLY OVERHYPED SPORTS "HERO"

Without taking anything away from "The Wall Play" wherein he made one hell of a catch and famously shattered his nose, Aaron Rowand is a menace to himself and his teammates. While laying it all on the line on every single play is admirable and all — it gets you a free pass in Philadelphia, anyway — it's not necessarily all that awesome for your team. First off, Rowand missed two weeks following the aforementioned sequence. Then, on Aug. 21 (aka the scariest day of the Phillies season), Rowand and his all-out abandon almost ripped stud second baseman Chase Utley's left arm clear off in a straight-up frightening collision in which Rowand broke his ankle. Can someone fit him this guy with bubble wrap? —Brian Howard

FOOTBALL'S FEISTIEST FEMALES

When the Philadelphia Phoenix, of the National Women's Football Association, hold their fourth and final tryout Nov. 12 on the turf at Drexel University to assemble the 2007 squad, don't expect some sappy version of flag football. "We hit, and a lot of these girls hit hard," co-owner and defensive linewoman Tawana Grayson says. Home games run next April through June at Northeast High's mega-complex. (www.philadelphiaphoenix.org) —J.F. PIrro

BEST REASON TO LISTEN TO 'YSP IN THE POST-STERN ERA

He might be Geater-sized, but tuba-toned Merrill Reese has continued his ironman-esque streak of broadcasting Birds' games into its 30th season. And whether it was Pisarcik coughing up the ball, Wilbert breaking away from the 'Boys or Vai going all Rocky on the Meadowlands goalposts, his not-nearly-impartial voice narrates every Eagles memory. Thank him by muting the TV on Sundays and putting on 94.1 FM, annoying time delay be damned. Go Birds. —Brian Hickey

LAST CHANCE TO TURN THE CORNER

One year ago, we named Sixer Andre Iguodala the "Most Tantalizing Prospect" in the city. It may be time to reassess. Iguodala continued to be a solid player with terrific tools in '05-'06, but in his third year, he's due to raise his game to a more consistent level. Frankly, we're not sure what it means that he exhibited more passion over All-Star Weekend, in the rookie-sophomore game and the dunk contest, than he did during many Sixers' games. But in any case: Come on, Andre. Prove us right. —Doron Taussig

BEST WAY TO GET KIDS ON THE STREET

Anthony Martin's Urban Youth Racing School, an eight-year-old Northern Liberties-based program, is opening up city young'uns to a sport most associated with the states below the Mason-Dixon line: racing. The school, which has been touted by bigwigs like Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr., revs up confidence and produces serious results. Each year, students get the opportunity to visit and work with professional teams and drivers up and down the East Coast. (907 N. Front St., 215-473-9014, www.urbanyouthracingschool.com) —Drew Lazor

BEST-BET RECREATION REQUIEM

The Philadelphia Sport and Social Club began as a 12-team co-ed touch football league in 1992. It's grown to involve some 15,000 athletes playing on 950 basketball, flag football, floor hockey, soccer, softball, volleyball and touch football teams. Besides keeping this phat city fit, PSSC helps young professionals network and even find mates. Its motto: "Get off the couch and into the game." (215-483-9341, www.playphillysports.com) —J.F. PIrro

THE THEODORE ROOSEVELT AWARD

Who knew Phillies slugger Ryan Howard was such a history buff? All year long — that dust-up with Josh Beckett in spring training doesn't count — Howard followed the counsel of 26th President Theodore Roosevelt who advised "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Sure, Teddy was speaking to French diplomat Comte Édouard Sébastien de Malo in 1901, but he may as well have been speaking to Howard (except, of course, that Howard would not be born for another 78 years, but why split hairs?). Through a tumultuous season that put the H-Bomb under the microscope for numerous reasons — Is he juicing? Is he the clean home run king? Is he the MVP? — Howard handled himself with grace and dignity, said the right thing all the time, oh, and kept jacking those long flies all summer. —Brian Howard

MOST HOLLYWOODIZED STORY

Oh, those darn Hollywood execs. First they make a movie starring Tony Danza (The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon ... Yikes!) inspired by Vince Papale. Then, they cash in with that most artless of forms: The feel-good bio pic. The real anti-T.O. deserves better than Invincible. Besides, how legitimate can a movie be when the token motivational scene finds the coach saying to his team, "The people of Philadelphia rely on you for hope"? —Zach Pontz

CP Choice Goes to Hell
Sloth & Zeal
Gluttony & Moderation
Envy & Charity
Lust & Abstinence
Pride & Humility
Greed & Generosity
Choice Sidebar: Vegetarian
Choice Sidebar: Feuds
Choice Sidebar: Bikes
Choice Sidebar: Kids