The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Rick Santorum accuses Bob Casey of indirectly aiding terrorism. Also claims Casey was hitting him when mom wasn't looking, adding: "Ow, quit it!"

The Federal Aviation Administration awards Philly International $38 million in grants for various projects. Will that include chairs so we can sit and put our shoes back on?

Fearing negative publicity, the Greater Phila-delphia Hotel Association encourages members to "make a business decision" about distributing November's Philly Mag, which features a cover story about the city's murder rate. Or to just hang onto last month's "100 Most Awesome Plastic Surgeons, Gated Communities and White People" issue.

Mayor Street announces plans to increase the number of parent truancy officers from 100 to 500. Sadly, Street fails to realize that Vallas was only able to balance the budget and reduce class sizes because of the magic of truancy.

Club Heat owner Eli Karetny testifies that he was never warned about Pier 34's potential to collapse. "But I do regret my decision to turn the lifeboats into mini hot tubs," he says, sobbing.

Journalists organize outside the city's Mexican Consulate to protest paramilitary violence in Oaxaca. Meanwhile, Mexican tourist agency warns hotels not to distribute the "Top 101 Paramilitary Bloodbaths" issue of Oaxaca magazine.

Amtrak debuts "Keystone Service," 110-mph trains that travel between Philly and Harrisburg; the first scheduled arrival pulls in 30 minutes late. "Sorry," says conductor, "but we had to make a detour to the set of Post Game Live. "

City Council approves move to ban the distribution of blunts and loosies. Enjoy the final installments of Philly Blunt and Loose Canon in this issue.