Happy Hatesgiving!

In honor of Turkey Day, help yourself to a heaping helping of things we just can't stand about Philly.

by The City Paper Staff

Yeah, we know we're supposed to be giving thanks and counting our blessings and rolling around in leftover cranberry sauce like a Wing Bowl contestant in his own slop. Well, after the City Paper staff did all of the above at a meeting last week, we concluded that we're most thankful for our God-given right to bitch and moan about anything and everything that gets under our bog-fruit-stained skin. Of course, every last staffer may not agree on every last entry, but we'd hate it if there weren't a little dissension over here at Second and Chestnut. So, unbuckle that belt and gorge on 130 things that we just can't stand about this town of ours. —Brian Hickey

People who run up the Rocky steps

People who bike and blade down the Rocky steps

People who write books about the Rocky steps

People who, despite taking Kelly Drive into town each morning, still cut us off because they're in the wrong lane in front of the Rocky steps

The classless degenerates who think it's acceptable to spit on the sidewalk

Douchey scenesters who mill about Rittenhouse Square every weekend preening like peacocks

Independence Mall rent-a-cops who preen as if they're on the front lines of freedom defense

Post-concert bouncers at the TLA who preen as if they're on the front lines of freedom defense

The inability to smoke in a taproom. (But, man, is it fun to hear smokers complaining about the rules for a change.)

Brian Tierney's filthy lies

Constant "breaking-news" updates about the hell that Brian Tierney's filthy lies have wrought at the Inquirer and Daily News

Two daily newspapers, one Web site

John Grogan's dead dog

That people still want to free Mumia

That Beanie = celebrity

What Hall did to Oates. (You know what we're talking about, Daryl.)

That the city tells you it will take one year to assess a dead tree on your sidewalk before it can be scheduled for removal, even though someone set it on fire

Getting tickets for putting the trash out too early

The classless degenerates who rip trashbags open and let the contents spill out onto the sidewalk as if we're throwing away gold bullion

Tired homeless scams. How about some new grifts? Or at least some manners, yo.

Jim Belushi touting Philly. Seriously, ditch him and raise Clifton Davis' profile. Got it? Amen.

Do we really need four hours of Barrymore Awards?

Do we really need assigned seats at the Bridge?

Gaper delays

That they'll never be able to fix the delay-spawning traffic pattern where 76 meets 676

When the radio lands on the Big Talker when we're stuck in traffic because of a gaper delay

Or on 610 during evening drive time, so we're stuck listening to Howard Eskin's moronic bullying

The Chinatown bus to New York: We can deal with the diarrhea scent, but not the attitude that they can treat us like cattle because we only paid $20 for a ride.

On second thought, we can't deal with the diarrhea scent.

Loud people on any bus

SEPTA stations that don't sell tokens

SEPTA stations that sell tokens but don't fix the broken token machines

Inaudible SEPTA station agents

Downtown drivers who tell cyclists to use the sidewalk instead of the street

Downtown cyclists who use the sidewalk instead of the street

Storm drains in bike lanes

Bike lanes in car streets

Starting everything, or replacing any "f," with "ph"

Jennaphr Fredrick

The fucking "e" in Olde City, which should be forever excised considering it's actually Old City

The fucking people in Old City on Friday and Saturday nights who should be forever excised considering they're just sooooo douchey

The player, and the game

Hippies

People who think Liz Spikol works at City Paper. Because she totally doesn't. Believe us, we'd know.

The rotting produce for sale in the Italian Market

Soft hoagie rolls that bend like elastic

Californians who ask where they can get a good burrito. The answer, Spicoli, is nowhere.

That our City Council will consider banning foie gras while Cheez Wiz keeps flowing like sewage

That our City Council has given a proclamation to a sandwich

Chris Wheeler

Chris Webber

That there isn't a Weber's Root Beer drive-in closer than Cherry Hill

Cherry Hill, for turning Garden State Park into a fucking strip mall with condos

Anybody who has, had, or intends to have Benergy

The first person to suggest changing the name of 30th Street Station to Ben Station out loud

Oh, what the hell: Ben Franklin

Steven Singer

Every last thing about Philadelphia International Airport

Every last thing about the casinos that are coming to town except the fact that we'll be able to gamble in them, like, right around the corner from our house so we won't have to worry about hiding $5.50 for tolls

That the Market-Frankford line has no stops between 15th and 30th streets

That every new house in Center City has a garage and a friggin' curb cut

Zoning laws that let developers throw up flimsy houses with fake-brick fronts in historic neighborhoods

That the more water you use, the less the Philadelphia Water Department charges you per cubic foot

Bowling with a dress code

CSX, for still leaving trains full of trash next to Schuylkill River Park

Our lack of benches

Parking in Fairmount after 7 p.m. any night of the week

Driving past a designated Philly Car Share on-street parking spot when we can't find a spot to call our own

That when you leave a jacket in your car in Fairmount overnight, you're guaranteed to have to step over a pile of shattered glass in the morning

That you actuallyhave to go to the Parking Authority to get a parking pass, like we're in some Third World country

The cars that park illegally in our hard-earned, free, conveniently located press spots, forcing us to go to the Parking Authority to fight the tickets we get after we park halfway up the block and they ignore the press sticker in the back window even though there's a note on the front window telling them to look there, but they're so fucking stupid, they never looked there

That the Parking Authority is the most efficient department in the city

That I-95 still isn't underground

The bully elephants who made Dulary cry

That we love the elephants so much that it's only right to set them free

That the guy at our favorite bagel shop is practically sweating blow while making our breakfast

How you'd think there were no Jews in this town considering how hard it is to get your hands on a decent bagel

How, with so many friggin' Italians around, we still can't find great pizza. Seriously, do it for Sicily or something.

The sorry state of the mob

Atrios

Uruk-Hai, and the Flyers' penchant for signing them to long-term deals

We know what an iPod on shuffle sounds like, Mr. Peterman, and neither you nor your BEN FM provide the same experience. So go back to the Himalayas or something.

The woman on Eighth Street who doesn't clean up after her dog

That people won't fix their pit bulls

That people won't fix their kids

That It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia has never gotten an Emmy

That it's not always sunny in Philadelphia

That we got Hack, but Baltimore got The Wire

And that Baltimore politicians came to Philly and exploited our homeless

Mislabeled Regional Rail trains

That SEPTA must have robots somewhere, but doesn't use them right and by the time they do, it'll be too hard to control them since they'll have developed minds, and emotions, of their own

The absurdity of still operating the Ridge Spur

And not being able to make a left turn off Market

That people in Pittsburgh —what would you even call them, Pittsburgers? — think we know they exist

Tom Knudsen's hairless cat, death-ray turret and cold, black heart

Those among us who don't appreciate Milton Street as a beacon of civic pride

The dirty rats who brought Rick Mariano down

People who don't realize that Jimmy Tayoun's Public Recordis a bastion of legitimate journalism

That the outdoor Rizzo Rink has been left in such squalid conditions when it could be, like, a legitimate recreational draw

These cans

What those dirtbags at Villanova tried to do to the Big Five

The incessant rehashing of us having thrown snowballs at Santa

The incessant, misplaced condemnation of the fact that we cheered the end of Michael Irvin's career. Because we did. And we're proud of it to this day.

That the mayoral race will be a racial race. Like how every mayoral race becomes a racial race.

That Frank Keel and Sam Katz haven't gotten in a fistfight. 'Cause we'd watch.

That the revolution will not be televised. 'Cause we'd watch.

The ubiquitousness of Terry Fucking Madonna.

What Oates did to Hall. (You know what we're talking about, John.)

The fuckin' burbs

New Jersey

Jersey bashers

The Haddonfield Bulldogs

The fact that there aren't nearly enough ferries running back to the big city after shows at the Tweeter Center. Not to mention how they cut them off too soon.

Dear LCB, can you please let us buy beer and wine in the same store?

And let us drink after 2 a.m.?

The weed drought before every election

Scott Rolen

Peter Forsberg's mutant ankle

Jeffrey Lurie's smarminess

Dallas Cowboys fans who were born and raised in the Delaware Valley

People from Philly who say the Eagles are their second favorite team. (Hickey: Unless they're sporting the orange and blue of the mighty Denver Broncos.)

That it's been 23 years since we had a championship parade

And our lone champion, Bernard Hopkins, ain't fightin' no more. Except with that Eskin douchebag.

Hip Hop, the Sixers mascot. Seriously, a rabbit? Why on earth would you pick a fucking rabbit? We'd even accept some colonial looking dude with a musket. But not a rabbit.

Real estate agents with soft, slimy handshakes

Port Fishington. GradHo. And the people who call their homes by such contrived names.

That Bob Casey is our hero

That we live in a country where Rick Santorum could actually make a run at the presidency

And, finally, yo mama.