Strange Bedfellows

Your pocket guide to eccentric bedroom behaviors

by Ashlea Halpern

"Does nothing weird you out?"

I get this question so often, I'm starting to think I'm either: a) seriously deviant, b) too understanding, or c) friends with the wrong people.

For the record, there are things that weird me out. People who jerk off with their own excrement weird me out. People who have sex with kids or puppies or those little miniature ponies weird me out. Necrophiliacs only sorta weird me out, but that's because I like undertakers.

This is not to say I don't find certain kinks odd. It's just the more I talk to fetishists, the more I see it through their eyes — or gimp masks, pony bridles, whatever. So rather than give you a list of weird-ass fetishes, I give you ostensibly weird-ass fetishes that are actually kinda not so bad.

Ghosts
What It Is: Spectrophilia, aka sex with ghosts, finds some mortals hosting seances and/or booking rooms at haunted inns with the hopes of having an otherworldly encounter a la that infamous Demi/Swayze potter's wheel scene. (I'm still uncertain how spirit sex is different than masturbating, but hey.) BTW, not all ghosts are welcome bedmates: The BBC has filed several reports about a sexually ravenous ghost named Popo Bawa assaulting Zanzibar men against their will and, coincidentally, only during election times.
Why It's Not That Weird: I find this oddly romantic. Like, what if you are so in love with a dead partner that you can't let go the memories of that perfect carnal union? Ghost sex! Safer than grave robbing, and cleanup is minimal.

Jackets
Who knew there were entire Web sites dedicated to snorkle parkas and MA-1 nylon bombers? Spuggie's Nylon Jacket site features more than 17,500 pics of jackets, anoraks and coats in various stages of distress (ripped, torn, dirty linings, etc.). Most of the images are nonsexual — how exactly the jackets will be defiled is left to the imagination.
Why It's Not That Weird: Jackets are puffy. And cozy. And warm. Like a womb, or a giant Goretex vagina.

Noses
I like big noses, and I cannot lie. So, apparently, do a lot of people. Nasophiliacs know noses, and they're highly particular about their likes and dislikes. Flat and fleshy, sharp and pointy, or hooked like a toucan — a pronounced whiffer is to a nose man what a bubble butt is to an ass man. Some fetishists like to gaze at big schnozes; others like to probe, lick and suck them — a nose job, if you will.
Why It's Not That Weird: The Big Nose Appreciation page puts it this way: "The nose is directly in the center of the face and is the one feature that comes to identify who a person is." Speaking as someone whose nose is anything but dainty, amen.

Sneezing
While we're on the topic, sites like SneezingBabes.com celebrate the nose at its most vulnerable. Sneeze lovers chat about pitch, volume, wetness, hankies and more.
Why It's Not That Weird: Sneezing is the closest thing to an orgasm some folks get. You've got the same intense build, the funny scrunched-up faces, the split-second loss of control and the money-shot release.

Anesthesia
A close cousin of breathplay and a prominent member of the medical fetish family, this kink usually involves old-fashioned rubber gas masks (aka "black beauties") and pretend scenarios wherein a lovely nurse or dental assistant fits said mask to a patient's face, and within minutes he/she is floating in an ether-fueled dreamlike state. Sounds fade, lights blur and the "unconscious" body is left to the mercy of its handler. Some edgeplayers will use real drugs, but horror stories warn of overdoses and/or autoerotic asphyxiation.
Why It's Not That Weird: You're either dominating or being dominated in a faux-hallucinatory fashion. It's like doing E without the glowsticks.

Vore/Unbirth
Short for voraphilia, soft vore fetishists fantasize about being eaten whole in one snakelike gulp; hard vore fans want to be viciously torn to shreds. Neither is practical from a stayin' alive standpoint. Unbirth or reverse birthing, by contrast, is a vagina dentata-esque journey back into the womb. Urban folklore tells of attempted "adult headings," but the best examples of genital gobbling are found in sci-fi books and graphic novels.
Why It's Not That Weird: OK, that's weird.

Questions? Comments? Bringing sexy back? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.