Don't be a grump this holiday season. City Paper's blowout guide to holiday cooking, crafting, wrapping and general mayhem-making.

Who has time for baking these days? Throw some flour on your face, hide the to-go boxes and leave dessert to the professionals.

Shame on your Thom Filicia-fakin' arse if you think holiday decorating has anything to do with robotic reindeer and inflatable snow globes.

Drop that Christmas with Colonel Sanders record and step away from the turntable — the last thing your guests wanna hear is some chicken-shillin' dead guy crooning about sleigh rides.

It may be the "most wonderful time of the year," but for some LGBT folks, it's not all silver bells. As family members relock that

Jews are e excluded from Jesus' big birthday bash, so we take what we can get with Hanukkah and do what we do best — make it all about eating delicious food.

It's easy to lose yourself in the bling of the season, but the best gifts are the ones from the heart, hearth and home.

'Tis the season for family and friends, chestnuts roasting over gas stove burners and enough togetherness to drive even the merriest holiday fanatic into a 12-step program.

What do local head chefs recall of their merriest meals?

Throw on your comfiest flannels and lace up those Timbs — it's time to pick out a Christmas tree from one of these nearby farms.

The snow's coming down heavy, and the ADDers are going totally hurricane, destroying everything in their wake.

They finally did it: Someone in your family gave up meat. You can just imagine their sad, sad face as they eat mashed potatoes and boiled carrots while the rest of the clan chows down on the holiday dinner's centerpiece carcass.

Seems like it's almost a tradition nowadays to gripe about how your particular customs are represented in the media, in schools, in the mall — and how you feel oppressed by the presence of holidays you won't personally be celebrating.

You don't have to wear that felt applique Santa monstrosity just because it's That Time of Year.

I'm the best gift giver. Ask my druggie friends: The coke spoons I gave them in the '80s still go untarnished. But wrapping? I'm horrible. My all-thumbs approach ruins even the priciest paper.

Volunteering can have a direct impact on somebody's life. And isn't that what the holiday season is all about — instant gratification?

As you know, your favorite art snob, who is I, is a thinker, a luminous luminary, a colossus.

Our guide to must-do seasonal happenings.

Think casinos are a done deal? Hardly.

by Daniel Hunter

From a series of e-mails to my book editor, kicking around ideas for my next crime novel.

by Duane Swierczynski

Everyone in Philly who pays a cable or tax bill has a right to know if Comcast keeps its promises to the city.

by Bruce Schimmel

Readers write!

"I'm not saying every girl is attracted to tattooed bad boys, but every type of girl is. Business women, college girls, women of the finest caliber."

Thirty years is a long time for any business to stay afloat. But it's an especially long time when you're in the business of not making money.

$25, 50, 100, 200, $400

Bart Blatstein looks North.

by A.D. Amorosi

More confounding than paparazzo photos of Britney's nether regions and doubly slippery is the rallying-round-the-flag occurring when you mention Mumia Abu-Jamal.

It's a charged atmosphere as thousands of students wait for the heavyset hero to stride onto the Temple University auditorium stage.

When news breaks in Philadelphia, we make jokes.

The grannies faced 90 days in jail. Many ordinary grandmothers would rather stay indoors on a wet autumn morning, but the gaggle

Rumors of looming indictments dampen the mob's holiday spirit. But is it a ruse?

by Brendan McGarvey

Why the U.S. needs to bring back the draft.

by Brian Hickey

Republicans remain optimistic while the mayoral candidates distance themselves from the troubled Streets.

by Mary F. Patel

Curator José Roca gives us the early word on the ambitious "Philagrafika 2010" print odyssey.

by Rachel Frankford

Monster Movie, Max Green Alchemy, Yourmusic.com, Poppy

what makes this an expensive photo book worth owning is that ultimately it is a self-portrait of the photographer.

by Lewis Whittington

Dec. 9 to 31, $15-$20, St. Stephen's Theatre, 923 Ludlow St.

by Steve Cohen

Dec. 6-Jan. 7, $35-$50, The Wilma Theater, Broad and Spruce sts.

by Lewis Whittington

Sat., Dec. 9, 5-9 p.m., Earth & State, 23 W. State St., Media

by Mary Armstrong

The PLTC panto uses Robin Hood as the vehicle for an exuberant evening of songs, puns, physical comedy and positive messages for the whole family.

by Mark Cofta

Those looking for more challenging theatrical fare will find it in the Amaryllis Theatre Company's A Terrible Beauty.

by Mark Cofta

The Arden does a lot of good work, but there's something special about their children's shows.

by David Anthony Fox

Betye Saar: Extending the Frozen Moment, Jill Maio: Oddgard, Walter Benjamin Smith: The Transcendent Real

Please call the phone number listed with the venue for specific dates, times and ticket information. dance THE 48-HOUR MISSION Susan Hess Modern Dance resident

"Time Signatures" /"Growing Up Girl": Botox-plasticized women will get a wake-up call in the form of Barbara Zucker's "Time Signatures."

by James Saul

The Eight: Reindeer Monologues : You'd think Santa would know that "on Donner, on Dancer, on Cupid, on Blitzen" isn't meant in the literal—nay, Biblical—sense.

by Mark Cofta

Galleries are usually open Tuesdays through Saturdays; please call the gallery for exact days and hours. Receptions are denoted with Reception 3RD STREET GALLERY, 58

Museums and exhibits have varying schedules; please call for exact days, hours and prices. ACADEMY OF NATURAL SCIENCES, 19th St. & the Parkway, 215-299-1000. BUTTERFLIES!

ANDREW KIRSCHNER The physical therapist and author signs and reads from his new book, "Back Together: Hands-On Healing for Couples," on handling chronic back and

To hear Mel Gibson tell it in his very earnest promo spots, beginnings follow endings.

Stop-motion animator Jan Svankmajer is indisputably one of the greatest living filmmakers. He is also, quite literally, a man without a country.

Here we are again, in the Hollywoodland that looks in the mirror and sees whole-grain liberal goodness, where hot-topic crises in the Third World are plumbed for their dramatic juice.

The Pact, The Pusher Trilogy

AMC Orleans 8 , 2247 Bleigh St., 215-722-4262. Casino Royale (PG-13) fri: 1, 4:10, 7:10, 10; sat: 10, 1, 4:10, 7:10, 10; sun: 1, 4:10,

Send repertory film listings to tami.fertig@citypaper.net. ABINGTON ART CENTER 515 Meetinghouse Rd., Jenkintown, 215-887-4882, www.abingtonartcenter.org. Lust for Life (1956, U.S., 122 min.) Kirk Douglas stars

With the release of her eponymous 2000 album, West Philly native and Penn grad Cynthia G. Mason had, it seemed, arrived. And then the waiting started.

"I wanna write songs that aren't like the propaganda that we've been given in our love songs," Cassendre Xavier says over tea at Cosi.

Sarah McLachlan

by M.J. Fine

Still, you don't need to know the history of Brit-pop to understand the root of Cocker's anger on "Cocaine Socialism."

by Michael Pelusi

Sat., Dec. 9, 7:30 p.m., World Café Live, 3025 Chestnut St.,

by M.J. Fine

Tue., Dec. 12, 8 p.m., Kimmel Center, 300 S. Broad St.

by Peter Burwasser

Fri., Dec. 8, 9 p.m., Tritone, 1508 South St.

by Shaun Brady

The Grates, Rotty What, Philadelphia Orchestra, Judith Owen and Harry Shearer, Elvis Perkins, Nathaniel Bartlett

Moments after I step into Premium Steap, owner Peggy Stephens fixes me a piping-hot cup of her Mount Everest Breakfast Blend, a spicy combination of Indian Assam and Chinese Yunnan teas.

Trieu Chau is the perfect place for, say, a group of Asian food lovers who can't come to a consensus on where to have dinner.

by Elisa Ludwig

Brew Ha Ha!; The Palm Restaurant; Trattoria Alla Costiera; Seafood Unlimited; The Little Inn

by Amy Strauss

Yule Love It

by Amanda McKenna

It's Where We Drink

by Will Dean

Taking Inspiration from the Harlem Renaissance

by Rachel Frankford

Liberty Gay Rodeo Association's Bachelor/Bachelorette Auction

by Gary M. Kramer

Eddie Gossling

by Amanda McKenna

Upright Citizens Brigade

by Drew Lazor

Make Your Own Bracelet

by Zach Pontz

You Want to Swap Your 808 With Your Tabla

by James Saul

Your First Name Is Bill and Your Last Name Is Frist

by Rachel Frankford

Tibetan Arts and Crafts Bazaar

by Nyjia Jones

Big Fun for Little Ones

by Jessica Loughery

Who's afraid of the big, bad spray-on condom?

by Ashlea Halpern