Untamed Hearts

Philly is for lovers. Even those who love giraffes.

by Monica Weymouth

Valentine's Day is on us like a bad Meg Ryan movie. Lucky for you, Philadelphia has something for everyone and their freaky ideas of what it means to be romantic. Lap dancing, tattoos, tortoises: Whatever you're into, we know where to send you.

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Congratulations. This holiday was designed for you. And Longwood Gardens is more than happy to pack all that puppy love crap into one super-frilly weekend. Roaming violinists, chocolates, couple's cooking: It's all here, and it's all surrounded by flowers. Singer-songwriter Susan Werner will perform on Saturday, followed by jazz concerts on Sunday. "It's a great place to get engaged," hints Longwood performing arts associate Emily Moody. Sat.-Sun., Feb.10-11, 9 a.m.-5 p.m, $12, Longwood Gardens, 1001 Longwood Road, Kennett Square, 610-388-1000, www.longwoodgardens.org.

Cleopatra and her smutty friends were working it long before Carrie Bradshaw and company came along. Hear all the juicy details at "Ancient Girls Gone Wild," the Young Friends of Penn Museum's second annual Valentine's bash. With lectures like "Exposing Helen of Troy" and "Cleopatra: Whore Queen of Sinful Canopus," this is nothing like your high school history class. Afterward, mingle and gossip about the sluts over drinks. (OK, so it's a little like high school.) Thu., Feb. 8, 6:30 p.m., $5, UPenn Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, 3260 South St., 215-898-5093, www.museum.upenn.edu.

It happens to the best of couples. At some point, Nick at Nite becomes more interesting than the person lying next to you. A Sensual You dance studio wants to help with its Valentine's couples lap-dancing class. You and yours will pick up pro techniques, scandalous moves and tips on how to avoid broken bones. "You really learn concepts to enhance your relationship," says owner-instructor Barbara Gleaton. Wed., Feb. 14, 8-9 p.m. and 9:15-10:15 p.m., $50 per couple, A Sensual You, 954 N. Eighth St., 484-410-9787, www.asensualyou.com.

Ever wonder about the sex lives of giraffes? Just in case, the folks at the Philadelphia Zoo present the "Animal Mating Tour and Brunch," an up-close and personal look at the bedroom habits of the animal kingdom. Complete with mimosas and omelets, this tour reveals who does it the most, who lasts the longest and who has the biggest you-know-what. "Usually we don't see any activity, but sometimes we get lucky," says zoo VP of education Ron Fricke. This really depends on your definition of "lucky." Sun., Feb. 11, 10 a.m.-1 p.m., $75, Philadelphia Zoo, 3400 West Girard Ave., 215-243-5311, www.philadelphiazoo.org.

Chances are, even you have had better luck with love than Fran Prisco. His seventh-grade girlfriend is now married with two children to the boy she dumped him for. He vents about this and other love debacles in his hilariously bitter cabaret, "Break Up Songs for Stupid Valentine's Day." From Phil Collins to Mötley Crüe to Broadway, Prisco tears apart his least favorite holiday in a pity party worth attending. "I'm not a big fan," admits Prisco. "I wanted to call it "Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.'" Take that, Cupid. Mon., Feb. 12, 8:30 p.m., $10, Tin Angel, 20 S. Second St., 215-928-0978.