NEWS . Philly Blunt

Miltie's Believe It or Not

Why I signed Milton Street's petition.


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Published: Feb 21, 2007

I f everything had gone according to fantabulous plan, the latest man who says he should be mayor would have submitted his petitions of candidacy yesterday. "That would legitimize me, let everybody know that I'm a serious candidate," he explained.

But this being Philadelphia, and the man being T. Milton Street Sr., things weren't destined to go smoothly. If they had, you'd have heard the carnival music as soon as the paperwork was filed. Let Milton tell you why.

"After I deliver the petitions, I'm going to head right down to Ninth Street and I'm going to buy a big bag of pig balls," he said, without clarifying which establishment trades in swine genitalia. "Then, I'm going to deliver them to Dwight Evans' office. Because Dwight Evans doesn't have any balls!"

Alas, Evans and the pork-testicle peddler must wait. Four days after the mayor's brother streaked across stage and cannonballed into the political pond, Milton's plans were temporarily derailed. Such is life when you get locked up on outstanding traffic warrants outside a Sev in Jersey. Making matters worse, Milton told me shortly after doing a couple of hours in jail that "they're harassing everybody. My lady friend, they took her car because of a 12-year-old parking ticket. It just isn't right!"

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No, it certainly isn't. Because if this mayor's race needs anything right now, it's a little life. Actually, something larger than life. Someone named Milton.

I'll spare you the lecture about blunt honesty being so sorely missed in the discourse that we're stuck with party-popularity contests. I'll also skip the argument about how anybody deserves the right to run for office should they get the requisite support — and live in the city they claim as home.

Instead, I'll say this: Maybe Milton could make everybody focus on issues rather than polls, something multiple candidates claim is sorely missing. (When the circus comes to town, the rest of the town seems more normal than ever.)

Or, maybe I've finally lost it.

After all, last Friday, I signed Milton's petition. I did so a good hour before he told me he'd legalize weed. But even if I hadn't done so by that point, his cost-benefit analysis would've done the trick. "The street tax on marijuana is about 35 percent because the pusherman needs a take," Milton explained. "Well, if it's taxed at 35 percent when it's illegal, you can make it 40 to 45 percent when it's legal and dedicate it to real-estate tax relief! It could go to anything, really!"

Yes, this is what Milton explained during a two-hour interview the morning his mayoral plans were splashed across papers. Along with three petition-toting backers, including Milton Jr., we started at the Public Service Building, where more people familiarly acknowledged him by name than didn't. But some 30 minutes after strutting right past security — the Ladies seem to Love Cool Milt — we were promptly evicted for violating the solicitation rule. So, it was over to the hallway connecting the El to Suburban Station.

When he gets on a roll, he reaches out and grips your arm. It becomes impossible not to notice his eyes go all Marty Feldman out of a head that, though we're inside, remains covered by a dark winter cap. "The problem I'm going to have is that I'm too progressive," he preached, "but, I approach things with common sense. If people take the time to listen, they'll say Milton makes sense!"

Taking the time to listen, I heard our prospective mayor describe himself as "the No-Bullshit Man," "Big-Balled Milton" and "Milton Street, the Indicted Candidate." He maintained Evans should stay in Harrisburg to finish what he started with handgun legislation; people worried about unemployment ought to stop bitching about high-rises and Wal-Marts coming to town; and that the first item on his agenda is to "Get John Street out of office!" He deflected residency questions ("I've always been in Philly") and claimed he wasn't worried about the federal indictment looming over his head. Then, he predicted the black community's response to his candidacy: "They're going to say, 'That motherfucker don't lie!'"

Having seen his supporters quickly pull about 100 of the 1,000 signatures they need, I asked the No-Bullshit Man to respond to the people who think he's as dirty as the whole of Philadelphia politics. Milton'd heard it before.

"People keep asking me about pay-to-play. Well, I'm for it! I love pay-to-play!" the progressive declared. "Don't be one of those people who think that's not what happens. That's the way it is! I'm going to reward my friends and punish my enemies!"

By punish, I think, he meant "send them pig balls."

Which, Milton says for the can't-keep-a-good-man-down record, will happen as early as this afternoon — if things go according to plan.

(hickey@citypaper.net)