The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

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Published: Feb 28, 2007

Court-appointed lawyer defending Milton Street resigns, citing differences in strategy. "I wanted to play the race card," says lawyer. "Milton wanted to make a getaway in a hot-air balloon and claim he'd been kidnapped by the 'Sybian Liberation Army.'" Even

Central High seniors quiz mayoral candidates Bob Brady, Chaka Fattah, Tom Knox and Michael Nutter. Milton Street sends his regrets via fax: "It is with the heaviest of hearts that I am unable to attend your gathering as I am currently at the whims of my deranged Sybian captors. Please send $70 million to the coordinates below." Plus 3

Villanova socialite Susan Tabas Tebber sentenced to year of probation for beating Venezuelan housekeeper with a bag of carrots. Further proof that immigrants take the jobs Americans don't want — soup stock, for instance. Minus 5

Mysterious telephone poll features questions about D.A. Lynne Abraham's legitimacy as a mayoral candidate. "It was very mysterious," says call recipient. "I mean, you knew it was a woman on the line, but she sounded really, really mannish. Like, Tex Cobb mannish." Even

Two 10-pound buckets of marijuana mistakenly delivered to South Street boutique. In unrelated news, grand opening of Buckets O' Budz On Bainbridge indefinitely postponed. Minus 10

St. Joe's student beaten up by irate cab driver. "I used to be just like you, punk," says cabbie. "You know, a student at St. Joseph's University." Minus 2

Old City's Christ Church receives close to $1 million in grants to aid in restoration and repair. "Still, we're kind of bummed," says pastor. "We blew all the money on a couple Buckets O' Budz, but they just never showed." Plus 2

Frank Rizzo and Jim Kenney reportedly "glued to the bar" at Firefighter's Local 22 awards. "We were not glued to the bar," responds Kenney. "We were debating who was the Best Hose Holder. Turns out it's Frank. It's always been Frank." Even

Total Pluses: 5

Total Minuses: 17

This Week's Total: -12

Last Week's Total: 5

 

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The Departed
Burn, Brady, Burn
Queena Bass
Ask A Candidate
O Brother, Who Art Thou?
Minority Report