The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

	print	email	reply	rss feed

Published: Mar 6, 2007

Candidate Chaka Fattah outlines environmental plan that works off the assumption that he wins elections in both 2007 and 2011. Milton Street outlines his hand and giggles when he realizes it looks like a turkey. Even

Billy King ranked third-best GM in sports by Forbes.com. Ooh, is it time for their annual "Naw. We're Just Shitting You" issue already? Even

City officer convicted of erasing parking violations in exchange for cash and Prince tickets receives probation. Pleading for leniency, he emerges from a cloud of purple smoke outside the courthouse and, running his fingers through an imaginary pompadour, declares, "I never meant to cause you any trouble-trouble." Even

Prank caller sends SWAT team to Renaissance Hotel in search of nonexistent gunman. Unable to locate gunman "I.P. Freely," officers stormed the kitchen to check reports that restaurant was keeping "Prince Albert in a can" and allowing its refrigerators to run amok. Minus 2

Councilwoman Jannie Blackwell admires Milton Street's campaign tactics, knows "he's having a ball." "Just look at that spazztard go," she adds. Even

Police cease constant surveillance of West Philly's MOVE house. "It's gotten much harder since we reduced it to ash, cleared it out and built a new house on top," officials explain. Plus 1

Four Philadelphia Zoo elephants prepare to move to out-of-state sanctuaries . Their trunks are already packed. Ha. Ha ha ha! Hahahahahahaha! Oh, oh man, hang on ... their ... their trunks are ... heh heh heh. See, because they're elephants is the thing ... Minus 4

Action News anchor Monica Malpass sued by ex-fiancee for allegedly refusing to return $80,000 engagement ring. Here's to you, skanked out, money-hungry Monchhichi, you're living the dream. Plus 1

Total Pluses: 2
Total Minuses: 6
This Week's Total: -4
Last Week's Total: -12

They Mind the Gap
Bill Kearney
Springing Forward or Falling Back?
Pink Martini
Could Tom Cruise to Victory?
Andy Toy
Ask A Candidate