Independence Maul

Philly's more fun when you get the facts straight.

by Joel Tannenbaum

MEAN STREETS: "Avoid West Philadelphia west of University City," warns Lonely Planet. Which, translated loosely, means: "We heard somebody blew it up once!" : Evan m. lopez (CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VERSION)

When Philadelphia's economy bottomed out in the 1970s, its tourism industry managed to hang on. There was always a baseline of people who wanted to come and walk around Independence Mall, even if they had to drive over a lot of potholes first to do so. When private investment, lured by a very large and very sweaty New Democrat mayor, arrived downtown in great quantity in the 1990s, numbers of visitors increased, as well.

If some of the tourists you see wandering around Society Hill looked confused, well, they have a good excuse. The travel guides they are relying upon, although often well-intentioned, say all sorts of bizarre things about Philadelphia and the people who live here. It's not unheard of for Philadelphians living abroad to pick up a USA guidebook from somebody's bookshelf and, in a moment of geographic narcissism, flip to the Pennsylvania section and be flabbergasted at the contents. Here are a few choice examples, and some responses.

City Paper responds: Is that a PCP reference? Like, "drove it to Seventh and Pike and gave it a good dusting"?

... and sent it out, polished, for all the world to see ...

CP responds: The world seemed especially interested in seeing cops square off with giant puppets during the Republican convention.

... the city has become a cool place to be.

CP responds: Yes, a little too cool. Who are all these people milling around Sam's Place in the morning when I am trying to buy a bagel, and when is the bus coming to take them back to Portland?

CP responds: How else are they supposed to keep the A-Space kids from digging through their garbage?

This grittiness is reflected in the existing bar choices — you'll be hard-pressed to find anything upscale.

CP responds: Sir, are you suggesting that Leroy's Showcase Lounge, 50th and Baltimore, is not "anything upscale"? Those are not fighting words; those are dueling words.

The monthly newsprint, the [now defunct] Philadelphia Independent, lies around coffee shops and galleries, waiting to be read.

CP translates: "I think Matt Schwartz is a dick, and writing this travel guide gives me an opportunity to say so in print."

The extraordinary [band] The Trouble with Sweeney ...

CP translates: Thanks for the drink tickets!

The city's most prominent locally owned free weekly, the City Paper, is an excellent source for local news as well as arts and entertainment coverage.

CP translates: I have superb taste in print media.

CP translates: And by "sleazy" we mean "gay"!

Avoid West Philadelphia west of University City ...

CP translates: We heard somebody blew it up once!

... and North Philadelphia.

CP responds: Australian backpackers in Juniata? What could possibly go wrong?

Also, avoid the subway at night, unless you're with a few thousand fans attending a sports event in South Philly.

CP responds: Got that, everybody? The Broad Street line is SAFER when it's crammed with thousands of drunk Eagles fans!

CP responds: Um, well, um ... anybody have a clever retort for that one?

CP translates: I ingested a salad bowl full of MDMA before writing this sentence.

Genuinely friendly faces ...

CP translates: WAW-WAW-WAW-WAW Dude, it's kicking in! WAW-WAW-WAW

...of every hue welcome visitors on the street ...

CP translates: Welcome visitors to go back to New Jersey, posthaste.

... and local leaders work cautiously to patch holes in the social fabric.

CP responds: Or, in the case of actual holes, like the one at Eighth and Market, just pave them and throw up a fence!

CP translates: Would someone please hit me in the face with a crowbar? Repeatedly?

While the city has been enlivened by its Italian and Jewish communities, it's the old Anglo-Saxon backbone that sets a dignified tone.

CP translates: I last visited Philadelphia sometime in the 1890s.

(j_tannenbaum@citypaper.net)

Wayward Philadelphian Joel Tannenbaum has been bouncing around the world — from Hull, U.K., to Honolulu to Istanbul — since 2001. He presently lives in Manchester, U.K., where he's a Ph.D. student and visiting researcher at the Centre for the History of Science, Technology and Medicine at the University of Manchester.