The Weapons We Need

It's fun to read about the U.S. government's new and improved ways to profoundly hurt people.

by Duane Swierczynski

It's fun to read about the U.S. government's new and improved ways to profoundly hurt people.

You can check out a lot of them at Wired's "Danger Room," which is a blog dedicated, in part, to covering the crazy shit scientists have concocted in the name of national security.

Stuff like the Active Denial System, which is an allegedly "harmless" pain ray that heats the top layer of its target's skin, causing that target to feel like he/she is on fire. The military calls it the "Holy Grail of crowd control," because one blast could cause a group of no-goodniks to scatter almost instantly. (Nobody, it's been said, can endure more than a five-second blast.) And out of 10,000 trial blasts, only six people walked away with blisters.

Then there's the Vomit Beam, which uses radio waves to disrupt a target's hearing and equilibrium. The result: puke city. And it even works through walls! (Or it will, when Invocon Inc. — which has a contract with the U.S. Navy — perfects the thing.)

But there's a weapon I haven't read about yet. One that Philadelphia could use right about now.

Call it the "Anti-Nihilism Utility System."

Or, the "Give a Shit Laser."

Here's how it would work: Shoot ultraviolet/radio/EMP/whatevers at the entire city population. The beams would target the centers of the brain that control self-respect, pride, empathy — basically, the hunks of gray noodle that make it possible for you to get up in the morning and report to work, and not take a header off the skeleton of the Comcast building.

The beam would then supercharge those areas until suddenly ... presto!

The target gives a shit.

Not just about himself, in the here and now. About his family. His community. His future.

People in this city are killing each other because they don't see any point in living. Options are zero. The neighborhoods are no better than prison, because, like inside, you ain't got nothin' coming.

If you had nothing but a gaping void in front of you, and someone pushed a gun in your hand, you might start shooting, too.

Sometimes, that can seem like the only sane thing to do.

But until the government invents the "Give a Shit Laser," it's vital for this city — and its future leaders — to come up with home-grown versions.

And some leaders are trying to do that.

This past Monday, state Sen. Anthony H. Williams held a "Men Step-Up" meeting in Southwest Philly. His plea was simple: Put down the guns and expand your thinking. Consider the future. We'll help you find the resources — which is what the government should do. The meeting promises to be the first in a series.

Contrast that with Mayor's Street recent gesture, which was announced the same day. Hizzoner unveiled the next phase of his Parent Truant Officer plan, in which 71 more parents (bringing the grand total to 225) have been deputized to make sure kids' butts are in classroom seats. Every Child, Every School, Every Day is the motto.

Seems like a good move, but consider the message. Instead of giving students reasons to give a shit, we're telling them: Now, we have even more people to hunt you down and force you to be in the one place you'd rather not.

Instead of what it should be: Let's make this a place you want to be. Because you see the value of it.

This problem, of course, won't be solved with a magic bullet, or pain ray, or whatever other sci-fi gizmo you can think of. It's too big to cover in a single article or campaign speech; it is our citywide nightmare, with roots spanning the decades.

What we need is a new mayor who will tell us exactly what tools he'll use to lead us out of this nightmare.

More important, how he'll reach out to those city residents who have been told, time and again, that they don't matter. And somehow, prove to them that they do.

So far, none of the mayoral hopefuls have convinced me. Candidates, now is the time to make your case.

We don't have magic lasers, but we do have voting booths.

(duane@citypaper.net)