And Then There Were Four

Nick Norlen and Brian Howard break down the Philly Madness Final Four.

by Nick Norlen and Brian Howard

It's down to the wire in City Paper's first-annual Philly Madness bracket. An initial field of 76 has resulted in the following Final Four matchups:

Pierre Robert vs. Cheesesteaks

The Phillie Phanatic vs. The Mummers

WMMR DJ Robert handily ousted Rocky in their Elite 8 duel (66 percent to 34 percent). Cheesesteaks manhandled Ryan Howard (80 to 20). The Phanatic clowned the Spectrum (62 to 38) and The Mummers trounced The Parkway (69 to 31). There were more than 4,200 votes in the last round. One day into Final Four voting (at press time) and there are already nearly 14,000 responses, and things are tight.

Bracketologists Nick Norlen and Brian Howard did a little Monday-night analysis on IM.

Nick Norlen: It comes down to this.

Brian Howard: Two we expected; two we did not.

Nick Norlen: I really only expected Cheesesteaks.

Brian Howard: You've been counting out the Mummers since day one. I feel almost like a believer now.

Nick Norlen: Judging from the voting, so does everyone else. I hear there's some trash talking going on.

Brian Howard: What have you heard?

Nick Norlen: Well the Mummers keep asking the Phanatic when the last time he was in a parade was ... It's a sore subject.

Brian Howard: Oh, snap!

Nick Norlen: And the voting has exploded.

Brian Howard: I think next year we need to think about employing some sort of voting cap. I know it's un-American and all.

Nick Norlen: This is Philadelphia, Brian.

Brian Howard: I thought it odd that Frank Rizzo Sr.'s IP address kept coming up. Voting, of course, for the Mummers.

Nick Norlen: Early and often.

Brian Howard: Ryan Howard picked a bad time for a home-run drought.

Nick Norlen: Don't forget the Philly Mag curse. His smiling mug on the cover did him in.

Nick Norlen: So let's break down the strengths of each contender.

Nick Norlen: Pierre can rally his citizens through the airwaves.

Brian Howard: But the big question: Can you count on hippies in crunch time?

Nick Norlen: Only when it comes to granola.

Brian Howard: Mmmm. Crunchy.

Nick Norlen: Cheesesteak fans could see Pierre as a threat to meat eaters everywhere.

Brian Howard: I wonder if Mssr. Vento will get involved. Pierre Robert does sound very French.

Nick Norlen: Love it or leave it, DJ!

Brian Howard: "Peter RoBERT."

Nick Norlen: A wager: If Pierre wins, Geno's has to offer tofu steaks. If Cheesesteaks win, Pierre has to eat one.

Nick Norlen: ... And change his name to Peter RoBERT.

Nick Norlen: So can we formulate a little side bet for the other matchup?

Brian Howard: If the Phanatic wins, the Mummers need to incorporate more party favors into their act?

Nick Norlen: If the Mummers win, they get to come to a Phillies game and stand on top of the dugout.

Nick Norlen: If the Phantic wins, the Mummers have to stop doing the parades forever.

Nick Norlen: So back to strengths.

Brian Howard: Cheesesteaks. Strength: So tasty. Weakness: Inanimate.

Nick Norlen: I dunno, man, they can move through a digestive tract pretty fast ...

Nick Norlen: The Phanatic is built to be lovable. And he represents the sport now in season.

Brian Howard: However, the sporting team now in season does not seem to be benefitting from the Phanatic's mojo ... or hexes ... or whatever it is he casts with his crotch-thrusting high jinks.

Brian Howard: The Mummers are legion. You are really never more than a stone's throw from a Mummer.

Nick Norlen: If that's true, I have to start throwing stones more.

Brian Howard: And when you throw those stones, throw 'em hard.

Nick Norlen: I can see their matchup turning into a game of flamboyant chicken.

Brian Howard: Just pray it doesn't turn into some kind of banjo-playing showdown.

Brian Howard: A duel of some sort.

Brian Howard: Involving banjos.

Brian Howard: There's gotta be a snappy name for that.

Nick Norlen: Hmmm ...

Nick Norlen: Banjo death match?

Brian Howard: It's like a duel.

Brian Howard: But with banjos.

Nick Norlen: I got nothin'.

Nick Norlen: It's to his advantage to make it more of a "sticking that tonguelike thing out of his snout-dealie" match.

Nick Norlen: This is gonna get heavy.

Brian Howard: Yeah. God save our servers.

Brian Howard: So any predictions?

Nick Norlen: I think there could be a late comeback surge by Cheesesteaks, but barring that, it's Mummers vs. Pierre.

Nick Norlen: Feathers and freak flags will fly.

Brian Howard: Still time for the Phanatic to hop on his fuzzy green laptop and post a plea on his fuzzy green blog.

Nick Norlen: I know I'll be checking the votes throughout the week. Three, four, five times a day while I'm at work.

Final Four voting for Philly Madness is under way. Visit www.citypaper.net/phillymadness to play.