Ultimate Summer Fun Guide: August

Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of August.

Illustration | Jeffrey Bouchard

Wednesday, Aug. 1

If you can get past the nagging question of how to tell a "miss" hermit crab from a "mister," you just might get a kick out of the Miss Crustacean Hermit Crab Beauty Contest. Pick a favorite shelled beauty and cheer "her" on as "she" competes for the coveted Cucumber Rind Cup and a prestigious crawl down the famous flowered runway. 1 p.m., free, Sixth Street Beach, Ocean City, 609-525-9300, www.oceancityvacation.com/events.htm. �MB

Thursday, Aug. 2

If I've learned anything from my years in South Philly, it's that the streets belong to me. Unfortunately, everyone else thinks so, too. But when you're right, you're right, and cyclists can do something about it. Call it vandalism, call it advocacy, call it U-Lock justice � but donate a few bucks to www.iparkedinabikelane.org and get stickering. Think of it as helping out the poor, overworked Philadelphia Parking Authority. Donation suggested, www.myspace.com/iparkedinabikelane. �JB

There are, no lie, 50,000 bands on this year's Warped Tour. Besides Bad Religion you have never heard of any of them. Noon, $28-30, Tweeter, Camden Waterfront, www.livenation.com. �PR

Learn how not to have a Deliverance moment at REI Outdoor School's GPS Navigation Outing. Entrusted with hand-held navigation devices, geeky explorers learn how to pinpoint locations, project waypoints and plot courses in the rough-and-tumble woods of Conshohocken. For the Boy Scout in you, maps and compasses will also be available. Just don't forget to bring lunch, bottled water and some cash for your obligatory IKEA trip afterward. 9 a.m., $45 (members), $60 (nonmembers), REI Outdoor School, 200 W. Ridge Pike, Conshohocken, 610-940-0809, www.rei.com. �NHM

Body ink get ya hard? Even if you're a chick? Indulge your fetish at the Body Art Expo. Mingle with artists, get some new ink or enter your old stuff in a tat contest. Live burlesque, a tattoo hottie competition and an honest-to-God freak show � plus beer and an after-party at Club Ice. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Saturday, 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Sunday, fees vary, Valley Forge Convention Center, 610-466-9877, www.tattooexpopa.com. �MB

Feed your secret pretentious Ivy League desires with a trip to sedate Princeton, N.J. Check out the main drag, Nassau Street, and hang a left to get to the Princeton Record Exchange (20 S. Tulane St., 609-924-3472) for some LPs to impress your hipster friends. Cross Nassau for some Gothic action at the university's campus. Then relax in picturesque Palmer Square with some fresh artisan ice cream from the Bent Spoon (35 Palmer Square West, 609-924-2368). �WD

There have been many pretenders to the throne of Frank Sinatra. Tonight (and tomorrow), at the Mann, you can sip your vodka gimlet and listen to current front-runner Michael Bublé � touring in support of his new album, Call Me Irresponsible � state his case in front of a live audience. Couple of problems, though: He's Canadian. He once played Elvis in a road show. And he was once in a movie with Huey Lewis. (Of "The News" fame.) Ol' Blue Eyes ain't exactly smiling down upon that shit. 8 p.m., $55-$103.50, The Mann Music Center, 5201 Parkside Ave., 215-893-1999, www.manncenter.org. �DS

Grasp 400 years of Indian art history at Miniature Worlds: Art from India (June 18-Aug. 11). No, seriously; the Rutgers exhibit includes watercolors, drawings and sculpture from four centuries that encapsulate not only art expression trends that still influence contemporary artists, but Indic religion and national history, too. 10 a.m.-4 p.m., free, Rutgers-Camden Center for the Arts, Stedman Gallery, Third and Pearl streets, Camden, 856-225-2700, .www.ruarts.org. �JL

Repent America's religious crusader Michael Marcavage doesn't mind hanging out at GLBTQ events for a bullhorn meet-and-greet to quote Leviticus. Although RA's anti-gay banners in the stands at Gay Community Night at the Phillies have gotten them tossed out of the game, Marcavage has it scheduled on the evangelical calendar. In fact, he is the anti-gay mascot (sorry, Phillie Phanatic). Whether he shows up throwing balls fair or most foul, gay Phillies fans will be there fanning the flames in fabulous uniforms. 7:05 p.m., www.gaybaseballdays.com vs. www.repentamerica.com/index.htm. �LW

Friday, Aug. 10

Can't get to Fire Island? P-Town too far? Then gawk at hundreds of hunks showing off their farmer tans at the fourth annual Boys of Summer Swimsuit Party at Pure. Dollar shots and $2 pink drinks are available until 11 p.m. The skimpy bikini overkill also features a live performance by Junior Vasquez's boy toy Quentin Elias, who, like Jerry Lewis, is big in France. 9 p.m.-3:30 a.m., $10 (without swimsuit), $5 (with swimsuit), Pure, 1221 St. James St., 215-735-5772, www.purephilly.com, www.phillygaycalendar.com. -NHM

Check out the matinee showcase from Girls Rock Philly, a weeklong day camp that provides rock music instruction and rehearsal time for girls ages 10 to 18. You'll hear the results of hours of work on the girls' guitar, drum, bass, keyboard, vocal, DJ and � the organizers swear it's a possibility � electric violin skills. 6. p.m., $5, Girard College, 2101 S. College Ave., (enter the college at Girard and Corinthian avenues), 215-525-9927, www.girlsrockphilly.org. �GM

Today's police log may seem grim, but in 1961, Philadelphia experienced its most violent prison riot at Eastern State Penitentiary when inmates took eight officers hostage before stabbing two of them with homemade knives. During the two-day commemoration (starting Aug. 11), history buffs will retrace steps, tour the prison, meet eyewitnesses and even get a special glimpse at rare photographs from the penitentiary's archival collection. Lighten up afterward at one of a half-dozen watering holes just footsteps from the prison. 11:30 a.m., free with admission, 22nd Street and Fairmount Avenue, 215-236-3300, www.easternstate.org. �NHM

Monday, Aug. 13

Wake up, cosmo nuts! The annual Perseid meteor shower peaks early this morning, so escape the light pollution and get to higher ground. A new moon permits optimal viewing conditions - up to 100 meteors per hour! That's a whole lot of wishing to be done. -JS 

It's Weird Week in Ocean City through Friday, meaning every day there's some bizarre happening or quirk-filled contest at the Music Pier. Today's weirdness is the French Fry Contest, which has participants (ages 5 and up) producing a "meaningful" work of art out of semi-warm fries. Fun, and over in about a half-hour, the edible sculptures have ranged from a standing Spongebob Squarepants to a stick figure of Elvis. 11 a.m., free, Music Pier, Boardwalk and Moorlyn Terrace, 609-525-9300, www.oceancityvacation.com/events.htm. �NP

People love junk. Really. Give 'em a thrill by adding to their collection in the dead of night. On what we're christening Random Trash Chaining Night, gather large unwieldy items like bike frames, chairs, lamps, etc., from the curb on trash night. Then spend the rest of the evening attaching them with cheapo locks and chains to random fences and front railings. For extra fun, chain the trash to the railing of the people who put it out. �MB

In 1984, cyberpunk erupted into the public consciousness with William Gibson's Neuromancer. His latest novel, Spook Country, is slated for August release. Amazon.com provides a cryptic glimpse at some of the characters, including a journalist assigned to find an elusive man named Bobby. Bobby troubleshoots military equipment by day and "refuses to sleep in the same place twice." Gibson will speak, hold a Q&A and sign books. 7 p.m., free, Free Library: Central Branch, 19th Street and Ben Franklin Parkway, 215-567-4341, www.library.phila.gov. �CN

Break out your fiddle, moonshine jugs and assorted drug paraphernalia: It's time for the 46th Annual Philadelphia Folk Festival (Aug.17-19). Drink in a single evening concert or relive the '60s and camp out the whole three days. Drop the kids at the Great Groove Band for hobo and traveling fiddler career lessons from string band Groovemama. Bring your own instruments, and train-hopping equipment. $8-$149, Schwencksville, 800-556-FOLK, www.folkfest.org. �WD

Critical Mass bike rides may be many things: rolling activism, motorists' annoyance, complete chaos. What they are, beyond a doubt, is a bunch of committed folks with fixies. Which makes their summer race series � the third of which, a Case Race, which runs today � something to see (or something to beat, if you fancy yourself a little alley cat). www.philamass.org/summerslam. �JB

Who knew a coal town formerly known as Mauch Chunk could be so cute? Take a day trip to Jim Thorpe. After a day of hiking, mountain biking and kayaking, you can cool down with a scenic train ride through the Lehigh Gorge State Park. Then, because you'll have earned it, go enjoy top-notch pirogies and old-fashioned shakes at the Sunrise Diner. www.jimthorpe.org/history.php. �CV

Take a smokin' road trip to Centralia, in north central Pennsylvania, where smoke has curled from the ground since 1962 when one of the largest coal veins in the country caught fire. If the smoke gets to ya, clear the air on a wooden roller coaster at Knoebels Amusement Resort. With free admission and parking, mini golf, laser tag and classic rides, it seems more like fantasy. But knock on that wood, it's the real deal. Centralia, www.centraliapa.com; Knoebels, Route 487, Elysburg, 800-487-4386, www.knoebels.com. �KP

Check out North Wildwood's Beach Yoga program and you get to enjoy the sights and smells of the shore while getting into a limber, relaxed zone. All you need is exact change, bottled water and you're set. Mantras optional. 8 a.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays; 9 a.m. Saturdays through Sept. 1, $5, Lou Booth Amphitheater, Second and Ocean avenues, 609-522-2955, www.northwildwood.com. �NP

Charles Willson Peale is the fucking shit. He's a stone cold superfly master realist motherfucking motherfucker, and the "Room for Revolution: George Washington and His Philadelphia Friends" exhibition is a hellacious, fist-in-the-air, heavy metal mindfuck. Runs through Aug. 30, Philadelphia Museum of Art, 26th Street and Ben Franklin Parkway, 215-763-8100, www.philamuseum.org. �PR

Down by the river nobody loves (nor can spell), you can catch a great Alfred Hitchcock suspense flick at dusk, every other Thursday, all summer long. Tonight's free Suspense on the Banks feature: The Birds. The coolest part about watching this movie outside is that every time a dirty ol' city pigeon swoops by, fresh chills flutter through the audience. The Schuylkill Banks folks recommend you bring a picnic lunch; we, of course, recommend wings. www.schuylkillbanks.org. �DS

Friday, Aug. 24

Hit up Brewery Night Friday to hear local beer historian Rich Wagner lay down the Colonial-style brewing process using authentic equipment. If you're not into beer (wait, you're not into beer?!), go for the, uh, historic value? Victory Brewing Company provides sampling opportunities, and if you're the try-it-at-home type, bring your own brewing recipe for an exchange. 6:30 p.m., $20, Mercer Museum, 84 S. Pine St., Doylestown, 215-345-0210, ext. 123, www.mercermuseum.org. �JL

Never met a rock star, eh? How about a rock star's mom? Here's your chance: Even if you're not all that interested in the history of Ocean City � snoozily billed as "America's Greatest Family Resort" � you may get a chance to learn about both O.C. and rocker/computer-whiz/all-around brilliant musician Todd Rundgren at the Ocean City Historical Museum if you check it out today. That's 'cause Todd's mom, Ruth, is a docent there on Saturdays from 11 a.m to 2 p.m. Open 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Monday-Friday; 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturday, free (donations welcomed), 1735 Simpson Ave., 609-399-1801, www.ocnjmuseum.org. �NP

Cross over to the Jersey side and into the wilderness of Wharton State Forest, home of the popular, spacious Atsion Lake. It's a true summer cedar-water swimming hole � clean, refreshing, and nosily fun � with lifeguards on duty from Memorial Day through Labor Day. There's a public recreation area, too, with picnic facilities, a concession stand, two playgrounds, nature trails and even cabins you can rent. 9 a.m.-8 p.m. recreation area, 10 a.m.-6 p.m. swimming, $5 per carload on weekdays, $10 per carload on weekends, walk-ins, $2, 744 Route 206, Shamong Township, 609-268-0444, www.state.nj.us/dep/parksandforests. �NP

Because we believe even when all prior evidence suggests we oughtn't, we've got a feeling that the four-game series against hated division rival the Mets, which starts today and closes out the Phillies' August home schedule, will be big and meaningful. Perhaps the Phils and the Mets will be duking it out for the division lead. Perhaps the Mets' Pedro Martinez will be back from his shoulder injury in a high-profile showdown against runaway Cy Young favorite Cole Hamels. Perhaps Ryan Howard will be healthy and making his unbelievable, unlikely run for back-to-back 50-home run/MVP seasons. It could happen. 7:05 p.m., Citizens Bank Park, 1 Citizens Bank Way, 215-463-1000, www.phillies.com. �BH

Not much happens on Tuesdays in August, so it's unlikely anything big will go down to upstage the press conference I'll be calling to launch a little "holiday" I've been dreaming of for some time now: National Use Your Fecking Turn Signal Day. It'll work like this: Today, when you're driving your steel-and-vinyl death cruiser, and you decide you're going to turn, use your fecking turn signal. I know, I know, it sounds quaint. Like, what is this, 1950? But give it a try! Make a game of it: See how many cyclists, pedestrians and other drivers you can avoid pissing off by signaling your turn. If this goes well, next year I will introduce National Hey Wanker, Look Before You Open Your Door Day. �BH

With mere days until the Labor Day weekend, it's time for a liquor run to Maryland. The Free State's nickname is rooted in inebriation, and while we at City Paper would never openly encourage breaking the law, we love a Smokey and the Bandit-style car chase. Keep the pedal to the metal and the Keystone cops in your rearview mirror, or spend the summer in the slammer. Maryland, www.maryland.gov. â€â€�JD 

It's Penn freshmen move-in day, and you know what that means: minivan traffic and Ugg boots. Ugh. Avoid West Philly altogether � high-tail it instead to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden and check out the Creature Lab, where you'll come face to fish-face with wacky, wonderful sea-dwellers. Add air conditioning and the knowledge that overprotective Penn moms fear what's east of the Ben Franklin Bridge, and you're home free. 9:30 a.m.-5 p.m., $14.95-$17.95, Adventure Aquarium, 1 Aquarium Drive, Camden, N.J., 856-365-3300, www.adventureaquarium.com. �CH

Don't be discouraged if you find yourself trapped with dancers who look like they're starving or have the largest genitals in the world. Or musicians having group sex with Madonna and her piggy little voice. Or actors reciting Shakespeare with a Southern accent (hey, not a bad idea). Don't call it a Live Arts/Fringe Fest day before you get your theatrical rocks off at The Live Arts/Philly Fringe Cabarets post-performances where all of the artists convene to separate the mummified arts from the real fringe. www.livearts-fringe.org/index.html. �LW