Ultimate Summer Fun Guide: May-June

Look no further; we've got May and June planned out for you.

Thursday, May 24

It's not enough to bleach your hair, glue jewels to your face and write LAMB across your ass. If you really wanna be Gwen, you gotta have her stank on ya. The new Gwen Stefani L Perfume is said to smell of water hyacinth, white freesia, heart of jasmine petals and other junk guaranteed to mask the stench of your skanky ska roots. 8 p.m., $25-$69.75, with Akon and Lady Sovereign, Tweeter, Camden Waterfront, www.livenation.com. �PR

Friday, May 25

Yeah, you're from Philly and you don't need nobody's freakin' permission to go in the ocean whenever you damn well feel like it. But for the sake of people who play by the rules, Wildwood annually marks the official Unlocking of the Ocean. Kites fly, folks speechify. There's pomp; there's circumstance. And then there's not a parking space to be found until September. Noon, free, on the beach at the Wildwood Convention Center, 609-729-9000,www.wildwoodsnj.com. �MB

Somebody will get busted for smoking weed at Jam on the River this year (May 26-27). If it's not you, it'll be somebody from The Disco Biscuits, Cypress Hill, Lotus, Dark Star Orchestra or Dr. Dog. But, really, it's gonna be you. 1 p.m., $35-$39.50, Great Plaza, Penn's Landing, www.electricfactory.com/jam_on_the_river.htm. �PR

Those Ladies 2000 sure do like to lift a few. That may be why 1,000 gay gals converged on Wine, Women and Song last year at Nassau Valley Vineyards in Lewes, Del. (just 10 minutes from Rehoboth Beach). The mistresses of Philly's Pure parties turn the bucolic winery into a Sapphic retreat with wine tasting, winery tours, a barbecue, music and tea dance. Need a reason to sip? Proceeds benefit the American Cancer Society. So drink up. 5 p.m., $15, Nassau Valley Vineyards, 32165 Winery Way, Lewes, Del., 302-646-WINE, www.nassauvalley.com, www.ladies2000.com. �NHM

Wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky? Check the last day of the Wildwoods International Kite Festival. This huge event � which runs from Friday, May 25, through today � launches the summer shore season with a blazing display of color and skill. And it's all free � unless you're a competitor � on the beach between Burke and Leaming avenues. Today, there's a "party kite" competition that combines traditional controlled kit flying and dazzling tricks with names like backspins, yo-yos, multilazies and flic-flacs. 9 a.m. to noon, free, 609-729-9000,www.wildwoodsnj.com.�NP

Cherish swanky Bryn Mawr's history at the lecture Bryn Mawr Then and Now. The hamlet once known as Humphreysville has changed more than its name; see twin pictures of Lancaster Avenue and the Baldwin School, along with slides of past bigwigs, from the Shipley sisters to jewelry store owners John and Walter Fish. Admission includes a wine and cheese reception, of course. 6 p.m., $20, Bryn Mawr Film Institute, 824 W. Lancaster Ave., Bryn Mawr, 610-645-9030. �JL

Brighten up your corner of the concrete jungle by inviting some friends out for a Random Planting Day. Arm them each with a spade and a pallet of cheap flowers from a garden center, and make a contest of surreptitiously planting them in other people's yards and lawns. (No, people don't mind that at all.) Once a planter is caught, he's done. The one who plants the most flowers wins. Loser buys the beer. �MB

Isn't it time to check out the seashore as a source of something other than sunburn? Tuckerton Seaport maintains a folklife center with exhibitions from decoy carving (they are on a creek, favored by ducks) to net- and basket-weaving to boat-building. Pick the right day and there will be live demonstrations. The Baymen's Seafood and Music Festival (June 23) is said to be the ultimate working shore celebration. www.tuckertonseaport.org. �MA

Books are like steroids for the mind � or something. Tonight, take a copy of Juiced or Game of Shadows to Phanatic About Reading Night at Citizens Bank Park and watch the Phillies trounce Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants. Philadelphia Reads will be collecting donated books at the game. 7:05 p.m., $16-$50, Citizens Bank Park, One Citizens Bank Way, 215-463-1000, www.phillies.com. �JD

The roof is on fire! Well, not really, but Canvas Clash will be taking over the Whole Foods rooftop in the name of artistic expression. The monthly series of live-composition artwork will rotate cultural themes in our beautiful, but troubled, city. With this year's murder count already over 159, June focuses appropriately on stopping the violence. There will also be a collaborative wall open to all creative minds. Noon, free, Whole Foods, 929 South St., 215-965-9478, www.myspace.com/canvasclash. �DD

Peaceniks, take your scruples to the streets today for the fourth annual Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace and Reconciliation, sponsored by the Neighborhood Interfaith Movement. Join folks from temples, churches and mosques as they walk, pray and sing for peace in Philadelphia (and elsewhere). 1-5 p.m., various locations in Germantown and Mount Airy, 215-854-8038, www.interfaithpeacewalk.org. �GM

There's "safe" beer � six of which you can share with your father-in-law out back. And then there's "extreme" beer, which, if you're foolish enough to drink more than three of, you'll end up telling him about your sloppy sophomore-year ménage à trois (and he'll tell you about the not-as-amusing-as-he-thinks "high heels and dress" incident in 'Nam). So when you hit Extreme Beer Month at McGillin's Ale House � either for one of their Thursday night "Meet, Greet and Taste" sessions or otherwise � be sure to keep those pints of Dogfish Head 90 Minute and Flying Fish Abbey Dubbel to the low single digits. The keyword is savor, people, not shitfaced. McGillin's Ale House, 1310 Drury St., www.mcgillins.com. �DS

Dear Bloc Party, you said if I delivered the American hipster vote, you would send me three mint Aero bars. As of my writing this, you have not yet upheld your end of the bargain. Please prove yourself to be a cocainey, sweaty, fashionable band of your word. 8 p.m., $30, Tower Theatre, 69th and Ludlow streets, Upper Darby, www.livenation.com . �PR

John Updike once said, "Freedom is a blanket which, pulled up to the chin, uncovers the feet." What the hell is he talking about? Ask him at this reading. 7 p.m., free, Free Library: Central Branch, 19th Street and Ben Franklin Parkway, 215-567-4341, www.library.phila.gov. �PR

Even though the top ranks of Euro cycling are staggering in a haze of drug accusations, top American and continental squads � just a step down from the pressure-cooker Grand Tour teams, a little cleaner but no less desperate to win � will line up for the first leg of this year's Commerce Bank Triple Crown, the Reading Classic. Still, you might want to wash any discarded water bottles you pick up on the sidelines carefully. Very, very carefully. 2 p.m., free viewing, 610-676-0390, www.procyclingtour.com/race_overview.cfm/race_id/5. �JB

Friday, June 8

Celebrating African heritage for over five years, the Odunde Festival (events all weekend, with a gigantic festival June 10) brings together traditional customs and blends them with the local thriving culture. You can hear the Afrobeat, soul and straight-up live percussion from blocks away. The crowds will be out in the hundreds and in true festival style, lines can get a bit long. But one taste of the fried fish and plantains makes it all worth it � seriously. 23rd and South streets, www.odundeinc.org. �DD

A makeshift grill, two Technics 12s and a few crates of records. This is the humble genesis of the eighth annual Philadelphia B-Boy BBQ. Renowned graf writer Pose2 is this event's head chef, but all area breakers, graffers and hip-hop lovers are encouraged to come and add flaves to the marinade. Little Brother's Phonte will host with the lactose. Rock Steady will be in effect. Let the poppers pop and the Krylons spray. 11 a.m.-8 p.m., Hawthorne Recreation Center, 12th and Carpenter streets, www.bboy-bbq.com. �MFD

Sssh! Don't tell anybody how much uncrowded fun Delaware Bay Days are. Bivalve was once the richest town in New Jersey, proclaimed the Oyster Capital of the World. Bayshore Discovery Project remembers all that lore and heritage with boat building and interactive shore creature exhibitions, local tales, live music and just-dug oysters prepared a zillion different ways. Pay the extra money to cruise on the tall ship Meerwald in the evening lighted boat parade, capped off with fireworks over the Maurice River. Bayshore Discovery Project, 856-785-2060, www.ajmeerwald.org/dbsp/html/bayday/bayday.htm. �MA

Sunday, June 10

Gays love a parade, and before they had their own rainbow blocks marked for queer tourists, the annual Gay Pride Parade and Festival Day was the best excuse to proclaim, "We're here, we're queer." Not that GLBTQ civil rights aren't important, but why worry about gay marriage when you have license to be a heathen in the streets with the rest of the gang? Get your festival started with a gay bar crawl with stops at Woody's, Bump, Westbury, Uncles, Sisters, 12th Air Command, Key West, et al. Parade begins at 13th and Locust streets and ends at Penn's Landing, 215-875-9288, www.phillypride.org. �LW

Manayunk has only one hill, really, but it's steep enough to earn the nickname "The Wall." Watch amusedly as cyclists from around the world give it their best shot at the 23rd Annual Philadelphia International. Gawk from Main Street or the finish line at Logan Circle, and bring something cool to drink, 'cause just watching people bike up The Wall is enough to make ya sweat. 9 a.m., free, www.procyclingtour.com. �WD

Grab a can of worms (if your job is anything like mine, you'll find open cans of 'em on every surface), pack up a lunch pail and go fishin'. Don't have a rod or a bobber? No worries. Take advantage of the fishing rod loaner program and reel 'em in. Free, John Heinz National Wildlife Refuge at Tinicum, 8601 Lindbergh Blvd., 215-365-3118, www.fws.gov/northeast/heinz. �CV

Keep your pants on, art lovers. The Philadelphia Museum of Art's "Too Scandalous" program is the perfect opportunity to stare at naked ladies without feeling like a perv: It's all about art considered risqué at the time of its creation. The tour lasts about an hour and includes blush-worthy Renaissance paintings as well as scandalous porcelain, silver and even furniture. Who knew you could get your rocks off on an armchair? Noon, free with admission, Philadelphia Museum of Art, 26th Street and Ben Franklin Parkway, 215-763-8100, www.philamuseum.org. �CH

Tired of the local art scene? While you were wondering if your new "Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction" T-shirt was machine-washable, Shelley Langdale of the Philadelphia Museum of Art was poring through 1,600 slides of contemporary print art from around the world. Her final selections (all 44 of them) are currently on view in the Print Center's 81st International Printmaking Competition. Almost every print technique is represented, from woodcuts to digital prints. The Print Center, 1614 Latimer St., 215-735-6090, www.printcenter.org/pc_comp.html. �MW

Center City's bright lights don't hold a candle to Jupiter, Saturn and Albeiro the double star. See for yourself at the Franklin Institute's stargazing sessions (second Thursday of each month). With five advanced telescopes, five observable stars and chief astronomer Derek Pitts as guide, stargazers of all ages and experiences are welcome to linger and explore the night sky through the telescope and to learn and talk about the celestial bodies. 7:30-11 p.m., free, Joel N. Bloom Observatory, Franklin Institute, 222 N. 20th St., 215-448-1200, www.fi.edu. �MJ

From June 15 to 17, geeks will run amok at Philadelphia's Wizard World convention. Expect to see the likes of Boba Fett, Catwoman or Transformers walking the floor among exhibitors and dealers of comic books, anime, games, toys and movies. Guests include Brian Michael Bendis (writer, Ultimate Spider-Man), Suicide Girls, Lou Ferrigno and Burt Ward from the original Batman & Robin TV series. Friday, noon-6 p.m., Saturday, 10 a.m.-6 p.m., Sunday, 11 a.m.-5 p.m.; one-day tickets $25; three-day tickets $45; Pennsylvania Convention Center, 1101 Arch St., www.wizarduniverse.com/conventions/philadelphia. �CN

Midsummer, baby ... it's all about fresh fruit, lush greenery and sunshine, sunshine, sunshine. Open-minded gentlefolk are invited to commemorate the longest day of the year at a family-friendly, public Litha Sabbat Celebration praising the summer solstice, hosted by the Hand of Change coven (yes, "witches," but the good kind). Bring food or drink for sharing. Daytime ritual takes place in central Jersey. $5 free-will offering. E-mail 

Sunday, June 17

Think you’re exposed to enough hot air in Philly? Check out the York County Balloon Festival. Heck, you don’t even have to go to York. Get out of the city in the direction of the prevailing winds, then lay back and watch beautiful hot-air balloons drift overhead. They’re slow and tend to meander. Wander farther to John Rudy County Park for classic cars, horse-drawn carriages and food. Balloon launch 5:45 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. (they glow in the dark), $10 per car, $175 for balloon ride, John Rudy County Park, 400 Mundis Race Road, York, www.windjammerballoons.com/festival. �JA

If you like live comedy but find that improv afflicts you with deep, inconsolable sadness, you might go for multimedia troupe Die Actor Die! They give you sketch, stand-up, video, music and a feeling you used to call hope. 8 p.m., $5, Khyber, 56 S. Second St., 215-238-5888, www.thekhyber.com. �PR

What? An eye-hand-coordination game that doesn't involve sitting in front of a screen? See, marbles is a serious game of skill for the hundreds of boys and girls called "mibsters" who will take part in the 84th Annual National Marbles Tournament in Wildwood. These fiercely focused competitors, ages 8 to 14, face off in more than 1,200 games over four days (June 18-21) that draw hordes of spectators. 8 a.m. to noon, free, Ringer Stadium on the beach at Wildwood Avenue, 609-729-9000, www.nationalmarblestournament.org. �NP

Tired of growing weeds in that sun-scorched, cracked and faded plastic pot? Envious of your neighbor's expensive and over-designed window boxes? Looking for a touch of color in a jungle of concrete? Get dirt under your nails and turn those thumbs green by Growing Plants in Challenging Places. 7-8 p.m., free, Pennsylvania Horticultural Society City Gardening Series, Fox Chase Branch, Free Library of Philadelphia, 501 Rhawn St., 215-988-8872,www.pennsylvaniahorticulturalsociety.org/events/gardeningseries.html. �CV

Tufts University punk history professor (for real) Michael T. Fournier reads from his new book Double Nickels on the Dime, which breaks down, track by track, the creation of the Minutemen's landmark 1984 album. Whereas other recent '80s-underground fare (Our Band Could Be Your Life, We Jam Econo, American Hardcore) surveys broader influences, Fournier goes small, scratching out nooks and crannies of the record's making. One scene has the boys sitting around a table drafting tracks for inclusion, rotisserie baseball-draft style. Nerds. 6 p.m., free, Robin's Book Store, 108 S. 13th St., 215-735-9600, www.robinsbookstore.com/events. �US

With Zanzibar Blue no more, the annual West Oak Lane Jazz and Arts Festival may be the best spot to check for legendary jazz acts like Pieces of a Dream and Roy Ayers. Even better is seeing them for completely free. This neighborhood music and arts street festival, continuing through Sunday, is complete with tasty food and bangin' vendors that add a little refreshment to an otherwise hot-ass summer. 7:30 p.m., free, Ogontz and Middleton avenues, 215-927-6884,www.westoaklanefestival.com. �DD

The 18th Annual Manayunk Arts Festival (June 23-24) offers treats of every stripe on its mile-long Main Street tent lineup. Festivities include live music, paintings, sculptures and other wares from 275 artists, as well as sidewalk service from many of the Main Street restaurants. Free, Main Street, Manayunk, 215-482-9565, www.manayunk.com. �MJ

If you're already down the shore, you're in luck, and if not ... get there for the second day of the School of Rock Festival in Asbury Park, N.J. Bad Brains and Bouncing Souls join the School of Rock All-Stars on Day 2 (Ween plays Day 1). Advance warning, kids, the Asbury Park crowd's going to want to hear its Bruuuuuuce, so you might want to start "Growin' Up" and learn "Does This Bus Stop at 82nd Street." 11 a.m.-10 p.m., $30 Sunday, $35 Saturday, $60 two-day pass, Fourth Avenue and Kingsley Street, Asbury Park, N.J., www.schoolofrockfest.com. �JD

Monday, June 25

Love the links? Then consider registering for the 33rd Annual Joseph R. Rizzo Golf Classic in the scenic Northeast (because in Philly, the Rizzo name is synonymous with swinging sticks). However, if you can't hit the green to save your life, try making sport of spectatorship. Slap on some plaid shorts, tie a yellow sweater around your shoulders and see how many times you can yell "FORE" before security escorts you from the green. 9 a.m., $350 to register, Torresdale-Frankford Country Club, Grant and Frankford avenues, benefits the Burn Foundation, 215-988-9882, www.tfccgolf.com. �DW

A native of Lock Haven, cartoonist Alison Bechdel began publishing her strip Dykes to Watch Out For in 1983. Bechdel's graphic memoir Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic (2006) uncovers a childhood land mine of complex daughter-father strain, taking readers through the realization that not only is she gay, but so is he. Bechdel will speak and hold a book signing. 7 p.m., free, Free Library: Central Branch, 19th Street and Ben Franklin Parkway, 215-567-4341,www.library.phila.gov. �CN

Grapes of Wrath! Red Revenge! Syrah of Seduction! Sommelier Smackdown! Stare down expert wine dudes Keith Wallace, director of the Wine School, and Mark Hoyt, manager of Old City's Patou, as they create food and wine pairings using wines available for purchase at our very own state stores. You be the judge and jury. 7:30-9:30 p.m., $53.99, The Wine School of Philadelphia, 2006 Fairmount Ave., 1-800-817-7351, www.vinology.com/wx3/sommelier_smackdown.php. �CV

Foodways and music, crafts, folklore and customs, and most importantly, respect for the cultures that make up the American mosaic define the 41st annual Smithsonian Folklife Festival on D.C.'s National Mall. Nine days of free events kicked off yesterday, running till July 1 and starting again July 4-8. Virginia, Northern Ireland and the Mekong River are the areas presenting their most important cultural treasures. Treat yourself to a train ride to get there; blow kisses to the folks simmering in traffic on 95. www.folklife.si.edu/festival/2007/index.html �MA

Morrissey albums. Ready? Go. Viva Hated It. Cry Uncle. Fuxhole in the Eye. Your Arse. Softball Grandma. Mallardcrusted. You Are the Sorry. Onion Ringleader of the Borementors. Now I are the sorry. 8 p.m., $35-$75, Mann Center, 52nd and Parkside, www.livenation.com . �PR

Three friends and some cash get you the chance to play in ¡Futbolito!, the official four-on-four tournament of Major League Soccer. Teams made from 8-year-olds on up can play, with the Premier Adult division awarding $3,000 in prizes to its winners and medals to first- and second-place teams. Just make sure to register by June 25. 8 a.m. check-in, $120 and up, Agusta Fields, 10402 Decatur Road, 877-553-7294, www.mlsfutbolito.com/l/en/team/philly. �GM