Rules of Engorgement

Serve yourself a fightin' chance at the next all-you-can-eat excursion.

by Margaret Battistelli

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Published: Jun 5, 2007

It's 8 on Thursday evening, and my friend Marie hasn't eaten since noon. She's not dieting. But she's been fasting.

On Thursday, you see, you can get the all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab deal at Kelly's Seafood (9362 Old Bustleton Ave.). The guys from Deadliest Catch would either really love Marie or really hate her: She could probably consume an entire haul in one sitting. At Kelly's, that's cool � as long as you avoid violating the unwritten precepts of culinary decency. Available Thursday through Saturday from 7 to 11, all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab legs will set you back $35.95. They're practically giving it away, but they've got a strict "no sharing" policy that the waitresses aren't shy about enforcing. "Some people are OK with it, but some think it's not fair," says hostess Suzanne McDaniels of the rule. "I mean, come on, it's all you can eat � not all we can eat."

McDaniels says that most people eat about three platefuls, but there are always those who want to get their money's worth. "[Food comes] out plate by plate, so we know how much people are eating," says McDaniels, who's seen customers sit for as long as three hours. "We don't stop them. There really is no limit to how much you can eat."

Richard Grubb, manager at the South Philly outpost of Old Country Buffet (2210 Oregon Ave.), estimates that people put 20 percent to 25 percent more food on their plates at buffets than they would elsewhere. And that's each time they refill. "There's a lot of waste," says Grubb, who manages a restaurant where $11.95 gets you everything from tacos to baked ham.

Like McDaniels, Grubb won't admit that his staff scoffs at customers going over the top, but says he's seen "some serious plates." Though it's rare that an all-you-can-eat would crack down on how much its customers consume, some buffets have subtle ways of discouraging full-out food orgies. At Kelly's, it helps that diners have to request their next plate of food � each and every time they want a refill.

It's a wise move, as many folks come to all-you-can-eats looking to do some serious belt-busting. But that's not to say there aren't people out there who take a better approach. In fact, my daughter and her friends � all in the 18- to 23-year-old range � have turned cunning buffet decorum into high art. My daughter's cohort RT Franck, one of the more gifted eaters I've encountered, recently shared some of the his strategies for getting the most out of any buffet:

1. Don't fast.

"Some people think fasting will help you have room to 'stuff' at a buffet. [But] fasting shrinks the stomach, and when you get there your eyes will literally be bigger than your stomach and, well, you just wasted a trip."

2. Eat small, varied portions.

"This is something everyone fucks up. Just because it's all-you-can-eat doesn't mean you should get 80 pounds of pasta."

3. Stimulate your appetite.

"Weed makes you hungry and helps you put down food you normally wouldn't [eat] � in amazing quantities."

4. Bring friends.

"No one leaves a buffet faster than someone eating by themselves. It's a psychological thing. Think about it: Would you want to be seen by yourself eating as much as you can? Didn't think so."

5. Take baby steps.

"You're at a buffet. Nothing is going anywhere � especially the food. Take your time, go slow, chew [and] enjoy it."

6. Forget about cleaning your plate.

"Some people have problems wasting food. A buffet is a place that's designed for you to waste huge amounts of food. If you get something and you don't like it, just leave it on the plate and someone comes along to take it away. Then, go get all new food to either enjoy or toss. It's a great system."

(m_battistelli@citypaper.net)

 

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