The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

City to spend $1.3 million replacing firehouse air filtration systems that violate firefighters' union contract. "I mean, sure, we could wear our masks 24-7," says firefighter, "but then how would we make out?" Minus 3

West Philly residents infuriated that city waited for three weeks before beginning repairs on gigantic Pennsgrove Street sinkhole. "Anyone have a hose?" asks Mayor Street. "I hereby christen thee the Pennsgrove Street Municipal Pool." Minus 2

Channel 6 Action News headquarters flooded by water pipe rupture. "Man, you should've seen how wet Erin O'Hearn got," muses Danny Ozark. "Hubba, hubba." Minus 1

Several candidates who ran in May 15 primary miss finance report filing deadline. "More paperworks?" bellows Brady. "I'm sicka yooz wit' da forms every two seconds." Minus 1

South Philly man finds snake's head inside can of green beans. "That's no snake head," says Green Giant. "Ow ow owww." Plus 10

Independence National Park officials introduce "kinder, gentle" security screenings. "In fact," says park official, "we no longer believe butthole bombs are a real thing." Plus 2

Philadelphia Boys Choir tours Greece and Turkey. Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison? Plus 1

State files $109K tax lien against Allen Iverson. "Taxes? We talkin' bout taxes?" asks Iverson. "Not my pay, not my pay. Taxes. How'm I supposed to make this country better by paying taxes?" Even

U.S. Airways announces plans to begin flights from Philly to Moscow. "In Soviet Russia, duckboat rides you!" Plus 1

Total Pluses: 14

Total Minuses: 7

This Week's Total: 7

Last Week's Total: 2