The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

American Idol to conduct Season 7 auditions at the Wachovia Center in late August. Mikey Wild, America; America, Mikey Wild. Plus 2

Second alligator captured in Pennypack Creek. "Ha, ha." says alligator. "It's really just me, the first alligator you found. You said, 'See ya later!'" Then he ate a labradoodle. Plus 5

State Supreme Court dismisses anti-casino lawsuits filed by City Council, Casino-Free Philadelphia and neighborhood groups. "You wanna go double or nothing?" asks Chief Justice Ralph Cappy. "Oh wait, you've already got nothing." Minus 2

City blankets Pennypack Park in anti-mosquito insecticide. "That stuff makes everything taste better," says alligator. "Ducks taste like chocolate. Squirrels taste like chocolate. Even little bitty babies taste like chocolate. Magnifique!" Plus 1

Federal prosecutors "scoff" at Fumo defense's suggestion that senator's 139 felony charges be addressed in four separate trials. Aw, he's like our own wittle Dick Cheney. Even

Philadelphia NAACP Youth Council hold symbolic "burial" for N-word at Dobbins High. "And now the language is all cleaned up," says National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Plus 1

Parking Authority rolls out handheld computer ticket-writing system. "You think this can stop me?" says Susanna Foo, who then punches a meter maid in her "fat, fucking face." Plus 2

Philadelphia Zoo welcomes three new penguin chicks. "One, two, three, four, I declare a penguin war," says Camden Aquarium. Plus 3

Pennsylvania House to study benefits of installing I-95 tolls around Philadelphia. "I don't like it, and I don't even drive," says alligator. "I eat immigrants." Minus 10

Total Pluses: 14

Total Minuses: 12

This Week's Total: 2

Last Week's Total: 7