The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Department of Human Services study finds that constant relocation of foster children is "very bad." Also "very bad": Moneytrap bastard kids who should shut their mouths and feel lucky anybody put 'em up in the first place. Minus 1

Mayor Street criticized after queuing up for an iPhone. "I'm ROFLMAO," types Street to associates. "Open attachments 2 C noodz of me in a Dumpster." Minus 7

Mayor Street to endorse Hillary Clinton for president. "She's the iPhone of the field," says Street. Even

SEPTA board votes to increase fares by 11 percent. Then they go home to their loveless marriages, eat quietly across their end of the long, long table and wonder if everything was always this gray. Minus 8

Acclaimed Penn urban studies professor Elijah Anderson leaves to take position at Yale. Safety school. Minus 3

Southwest Philly man shoots himself in the groin during scuffle with police officer. "I wish I could just forget the whole thing," says man. "But I have scrotal recall." Minus 2

Flautist Felix Wilkins, 65, sues city after being arrested for performing on the street. Well, technically, he's a skin-flautist. Plus 1

James Earl Jones reads Declaration of Independence at National Constitution Center. Then he reads In Her Shoes and it's also pretty inspiring. Great voice on that guy. Plus 1

Former NBC 10 weatherman John Bolaris planning return to Philly. To bang the five remaining chicks he didn't get his dwarfish, manicured hands on last time he was here. Plus 1

Total Pluses: 3

Total Minuses: 21

This Week's Total: -18

Last Week's Total: 2