The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Attorney Jimmy Binns raises private funds to buy Philly cops new motorcycles. "And then," he says, "we're all going to put on the most wondrous, fantastickest, spectacularest Thrill Show ever!" Plus 1

Police raid marijuana-growing operation at 22nd and Green. Hickey's mood is :'( Minus 420

Two California drifters held in connection with June rooftop murder in West Philly. "I sure hope this doesn't spark a new East Coast/West Coast feud like the old days," says reigning Hobo King Nickels McBindle. "Now who'd like a hatful of my famous rainbucket schnapps?" Plus 2

Thirty-seven Philadelphia district schools to receive new principals. "And to gauge our success," says school official, "some control schools will be assigned a placebo principal, i.e. a broom with a mask on it." Even

Pro-casino community group emerges in Fishtown. "If we knew what was best for us," they reason, "would we even live here? Now hook us up with some of them schnapps, Nickels." Even

Italian Market is finally recognized by state's Historical and Museum Commission. As is one very special but neglected ball of provolone. Plus 1

Penn campus terrorized by gang of youths between the ages of 9 and 13. Study finds "youths" still ranks below "paying own rent," "the inheritance tax" and "real Ivy Leaguers" on the Penn Student Fear Scale. Minus 3

Stephen A. Smith rumored to be replacing Dan Patrick on ESPN Radio. Is there no job someone won't let this man do poorly? Minus 5

Total Pluses: 4
Total Minuses: 428
This Week's Total: -424
Last Week 's Total: 9