The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Eagles fall to 0-2 with Monday night loss to Redskins. Andy Reid's spy cameras discover a play called "touchdown" and hope to use it for remaining games. Minus 2

Longshoreman Daniel Gallagher, convicted of killing 189 seagulls, fined $14,175 — $75 per bird. "Worth every penny," says Gallagher. Minus 1

PATCO prepaid "smart cards," originally slated for release this summer, delayed until late 2007. "Me have dumbcards right now," says SEPTA. "Buy!" Minus 1

Villanova heiress Susan Tabas Tepper receives 15 months probation and $600 fine for attacking Polish housekeeper. Tepper's controversial decision to base her defense on claims that housekeeper had been "raking leaves in a tree" failed to win any sympathy. Even

Health Department crews spray insecticide on Northeast to control mosquito population. Also spray AquaNet to make sure the business stays in the front where it belongs. Plus 2

Community criticism forces Brian Tierney to call off plans to wrap Inky building in Bee Movie advertising. "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Bee Movie ads thwarted by Hive Mind!" Minus 2

Al Taubenberger debuts first television ad. Aw, wook at the widdle candidate. Plus 2

Group called "Friends of Philly Zoo Elephants" protest moving the animals to Western Pennsylvania. "Oh, so we're just friends now? After last Thursday night?" say elephants. "Do 'friends' go ass-to-trunk?" Even

Notorious meteorologist John Bolaris confirms return to Philadelphia. Sure, the "Weatherman of the Millennium" will arrive, but probably 3 feet shorter than projected. Minus 4

Total Pluses: 4
Total Minuses: 10
This Week's Total: -6
Last Week's Total: 172,186