The Bell Curve

When news breaks in Philadelphia, we make jokes.

Police apprehend teen accused of robbing six Drexel students. He promises to return the $7. Plus 1

PennDOT to temporarily close lanes of northbound 95 between Bridge and Cottman. "This is long overdue repair work after the Great Z. Cavaricci Fire of 2005," says official. Minus 1

Villanova campus locks down after man fires shots in the air; student body alerted via text message. 911! My BFF Chaz is ROTF bleedn his AO. Even

Formerly "ice-cold" professional relationship between Michael Nutter and John Street warming up. "Our differences were nothing a weekend in the Grand Spartan Suite at the Feather Nest Inn couldn't solve," says Nutter. Plus 2

Rittenhouse co-op board terminates lease of Galleria 1903, which is currently staging sex-centric art and seminars. "As flaccid, barren old trolls, we despise beauty in all its horrid forms," they explain. Minus 3

Twenty local hospitals working to reduce medical waste as part of "Green Hospital Pilot Project." Mmmmmm. Tangy green medical waste. Num num num. Plus 3

Pope Benedict XVI will not stop in Philadelphia during U.S. visit next spring. "Unlike my predecessor, I ain't about gettin' shot," says pope. Minus 666

Sen. Arlen Specter incensed by US Airways cutbacks that may eliminate proposed Philly-to-Beijing service. "Now I have to go back and to the West, back and to the West. Then I have to change planes — in midair, mind you," says senator. "That is one magic jet." Minus 1

Michael Nutter performs rendition of "Rapper's Delight" at election after-party. Then he did "white lines." Plus 666

Total Pluses: 672

Total Minuses: 671

This Week's Total: 1

Last Week's Total: 14