Best of the Rest

These jokes didn't quite make our best-of-the-year column, but they're still pretty damn funny.


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Published: Dec 26, 2007

Burt Young, best known as Paulie from Rocky, says he is "seriously considering" a move to Philly. Then he coughed, wet his pants and forgot his own name for 90 minutes. Plus 6

Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson announces desire to form 100-cop "entertainment unit" to patrol nightclubs and proposed casinos. Hot-pants-wearing officers will perform the Taser Slide and advise perps: "You have the right to remain sexy." Even

John S. Carter, former head of the Independence Seaport Museum, accused of fraud to the tune of $2.4 million. At that moment, two dolphins broke through the surface of the Delaware, chirping excitedly. Carter stripped to a reveal a leather thong, and then, clutching his trident, leaped on the dolphins' backs and sailed far, far away to where the silly laws of the "land people" couldn't touch him. Minus 1

Barbaro euthanized. McNabb worried. Minus 7

Jerry Blavat endorses Bob Brady for mayor. It went a little something like this: "Sha-bang, Sha-boo, ring-a-ling, wow, wow, wow. Bob Brady!" Even

Streets Department survey finds that 66 percent of adults would not date someone who litters. Parking Authority survey finds that "1,000 persent off peeple thinks dubble parkin is not secksy eithar." Minus 1

Billy King ranked third-best GM in sports by Forbes.com. Ooh, is it time for their annual "Naw. We're Just Shitting You" issue already? Even

Action News anchor Monica Malpass sued by ex-fiancee for allegedly refusing to return $80,000 engagement ring. Here's to you, skanked out, money-hungry Monchhichi, you're living the dream. Plus 1

Developer Stephen Stein claims city unfairly seized 3.5 acres of his Grays Ferry property to build a FedEx facility. "Sincerest pities for Mr. S. Stein," declares city secretary of land allotment. "But methinks he slept through the Great Grays Ferry Land Scramble of 2007." Minus 2

City expects overall public school enrollment to drop by around 6,000 students next year. That's assuming West Philly High falls into the Hellmouth, as current projections would indicate. Minus 2

Sentencing delayed in case of Germantown teacher whose neck was broken by students. "Oh, man. I know breakneck speed," says teacher, "and this ain't it." Minus 2

Aretha Franklin to receive honorary doctorate from Penn. And, what the hell, a real one from St. Joe's. Plus 2

Philadelphia Orchestra begins podcasting. "We're hoping it goes over better than our OrchBlog," says spokesman, "which was overrun with requests for Eschenbach to 'post n00dz.'" Plus 2

St. Joe's issues apology after the April Fools' edition of its student newspaper calls Cardinal Rigali "gay." "Furthermore," says university, "The Cardinal has never, as you may have heard around campus, dispensed Dirty Sanchezes on Ash Wednesday, delivered Danza Slaps on the Sabbath nor given handjobs on Palm Sunday." Minus 2

Michael Nutter envisions Philly-themed apparel line based on New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg's New York City Store. "In fact," says Nutter, "I'm wearing the 'Philadelphia Freedom' assless chaps right now. Wheeee! Al fresco!" Plus 1

Streets Department admits anti-skid cinders put down on streets during winter are hard to clean. "We thought about telling you that, like, in the winter," says spokesman. "But we're wholly committed to our 'Fuck You, Fuck All Y'All' campaign." Minus 2

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin apologizes for calling Philadelphia dirtier than his city "by a long shot." No, Ray, you're right, we're pretty filthy. By the way, how's it going getting all those corpses out of the gutter? Even

Citing decades-old law, L&I shuts down Philadelphia-area fortune tellers and psychic businesses. "Dear Lazy Piece-of Shit Philly journalists, Actually, we did see it coming. Sincerely, Psychics. P.S. This letter was written three weeks ago." Even

Ed Rendell requests that kitchen remodeling advertisement featuring his likeness be removed from circulation. You can see his nipple. Even

The Happening, M. Night Shyamalan's new thriller about aliens who can control plants and animals, to begin shooting in July. The surprise twist? Bruce Willis is dead. And a fern. That's allergic to water. Plus 1

Former employees of Knox-owned beverage company claim mayoral candidate never came through with promised severance payments. "I hear their complaints," says Knox. "But they can fuck themselves. With this bottle of Cristal I just bought with the rest of their money. They can take turns." Minus 1

Mumia Abu-Jamal's attorney requests new trial, citing lack of blacks on 1982 jury. "Oh!" says judge. "Why didn't you just say so?" Even

Gov. Ed Rendell uses extended Lord of the Rings metaphor to drum up SEPTA support for tax proposal. Kind of reminds us of when Wilson Goode used that Apocalypse Now analogy to defend Operation Osage. Plus 1

Federal prosecutors have audio tapes of Vincent Fumo, but will not use them as evidence in the upcoming corruption trial. Say feds: "What the fuck we going to do with 200 hours of 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall,who's the sexiest state senator of them all?'" Minus 1

Restaurateur Susanna Foo claims she never touched PPA officer who accused her of assault. Then she directed everyone's attention to the courtroom window where they watched her lift a Jetta into the air with her mind. Even

Philadelphia resident David Pellicott arrested for trafficking Canadian Hydro. Keeping this country safe for Nitro, Ice, Blaze and the rest of the American Gladiators. Minus 3

Sixteen theater groups to receive grants totaling nearly $1 million from Pew-funded Philadelphia Theatre Initiative. "Looks like I'm Susan Lucci again," says Forum Theatre. "Now who wants to see Sprayed-Her-Man III ?" Plus 2

Arlen Spector impressed with red-light cameras on Roosevelt Boulevard, calls for more. "Did I say 'cameras'?" asks noted bon vivant/whore-monger Spector. "I meant 'districts.' Now who wants to catch the matinee of Sprayed-Her-Man III ?" Plus 2

Scientists say the potentially nefarious Chinese mitten crab could be lurking in Philadelphia waters. Along with its accomplices the Japanese scarf lobster and the Filipino ear-muff clam. Minus 1

South Philly man finds snake's head inside can of green beans. "That's no snake head," says Green Giant. "Ow ow owww." Plus 10

U.S. Airways announces plans to begin flights from Philly to Moscow. "In Soviet Russia, duckboat rides you!" Plus 1

State Supreme Court dismisses anti-casino lawsuits filed by City Council, Casino-Free Philadelphia and neighborhood groups. "You wanna go double or nothing?" asks Chief Justice Ralph Cappy. "Oh wait, you've already got nothing." Minus 2

Parking Authority rolls out handheld computer ticket-writing system. "You think this can stop me?" says Susanna Foo, who then punches a meter maid in her "fat, fucking face." Plus 2

Southwest Philly man shoots himself in the groin during scuffle with police officer. "I wish I could just forget the whole thing," says man. "But I have scrotal recall." Minus 2

Former NBC 10 weatherman John Bolaris planning return to Philly. To bang the five remaining chicks he didn't get his dwarfish, manicured hands on last time he was here. Plus 1

"Kangaroo or wallaby" spotted in Montgomery County. Plus 10

Fox 29 reporter Tom Burlington suspended after alleged staff meeting rant about the n-word. "The force is strong with you, young Burlington," says Bill O'Reilly. "Give in to your anger." Plus 7

Two California drifters held in connection with June rooftop murder in West Philly. "I sure hope this doesn't spark a new East Coast/West Coast feud like the old days," says reigning Hobo King Nickels McBindle. "Now who'd like a hatful of my famous rainbucket schnapps?" Plus 2

Seventeen-year-old girl - accompanied by a 5-year-old - steals police cruiser in the Northeast. Cops fire 170 shots. Minus 2

Michael Nutter's wife, Lisa, doing "a tremendous job managing resources" in the 14 months the candidate has been without a paycheck. "Mom, there is NO MORE SILVER ORE DOWN HERE," groans an exasperated Olivia from deep within Nutter Quarry. Even

Al Taubenberger calls Nutter's stop-and-frisk tactic "a simplistic answer to a very complicated question." "Or is it a complicated answer to a very simplistic question?" asks Nutter, slowly rising into the air with his arms outstretched. "Mindfreak! MINDFREAK!" Even

At least 17 candidates who ran in May primary fined for posting illegal campaign signs. Bell Curve wholeheartedly objects to the illegalization of the Bob Brady "Vote Out With Your Scrote Out" campaign lit. Even

SugarHouse and Foxwoods casinos claim they should be granted leniency in purchasing $50 million state gaming licenses due to delays caused by activists and City Council. "And blowjobs," they add. "We'd all like blowjobs." Minus 9

UPenn Dean of Admissions Lee Stetson, a 30-year veteran, resigns abruptly without explaining why. Maybe he just got tired of some legacy in a gray sweatshirt calling him "guy." Even

Local indie film explicit ills. will star Rosario Dawson, Paul Dano and The Roots' Black Thought in a drama about "the effects of drugs and poverty." So, who's playing Malik B? Plus 1

Classes begin for 172,000 students in School District of Philadelphia. Meanwhile, learning begins for 172,000 - x, where x = 172,000. Plus x

Inky seeks variance to display over 9,000 square feet of advertising around the outside of its Broad Street headquarters. City Paper seeks variance to dress William Penn as "TS Willi Pee." Even

PATCO prepaid "smart cards," originally slated for release this summer, delayed until late 2007. "Me have dumbcards right now," says SEPTA. "Buy!" Minus 1

Group called "Friends of Philly Zoo Elephants" protest moving the animals to Western Pennsylvania. "Oh, so we're just friends now? After last Thursday night?" say elephants. "Do 'friends' go ass-to-trunk?" Even

Rookie quarterback Kevin Kolb gets sacked twice, fumbles in three minutes of playing time. Ha ha, honky QB. Minus 1

Norristown residents instructed to boil drinking water after "problem at local pumping station." Norristown: Now our poo water's piping hot! Plus number 2

Bail set at $1 million each for area funeral directors accused of harvesting body parts from cadavers. "In other words, an arm and a leg," one jokes. "Oh man, I am a sick fuck and I'm going to jail." Even

Beanie Siegel turns himself in to police in connection with unauthorized use of Nissan Altima rental car. Post-it on Beanie's fridge: "Cred slipping. Re-shoot self soon?" Plus 5

Maureen Faulkner and Michael Smerconish's book, Murdered by Mumia: A Life Sentence of Loss, Pain and Injustice, available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And whitepower.org. Minus 1

UPenn's fundraising drive calls for $3.5 billion to construct green space, a nanotechnology center, a neural/behavioral sciences building and a center for advanced medicine. And a God cage. Plus 7

Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson announces retirement after 43 years of service. Heckuva job, Sylvie. Plus 9

Drexel hosts Democratic presidential debate. Penn hosts intergalactic summit. Plus 3

Philadelphia Gay Tourism Caucus institutes sensitivity program to avoid uncomfortable moments between gay guests and hotel staff. Basically it boils down to lube. Plus 3

Ed Rendell urges city to audit the Parking Authority. So he can eat it. Plus 4

Rittenhouse co-op board terminates lease of Galleria 1903, which is currently staging sex-centric art and seminars. "As flaccid, barren old trolls, we despise beauty in all its horrid forms," they explain. Minus 3

Twenty local hospitals working to reduce medical waste as part of "Green Hospital Pilot Project." Mmmmmm. Tangy green medical waste. Num num num. Plus 3

Michael Nutter performs rendition of "Rapper's Delight" at election after-party. Then he did "white lines." Plus 666

Police open fire on SUV in Old City. About time. Plus 10

New "fish ladder," which helps fish migrate upstream to spawn, planned for Schuylkill River. Perhaps you'd also be interested in Bell Curve's new "fish couch," a couch made entirely of fish. Plus 3