The Bell Curve

When news breaks in Philadelphia, we make jokes: The Year In Review

Never-before-seen photos of Daniel Faulkner crime scene released to public. Turns out he was white. Even

Alycia Lane blames suddenly fuller lips on a lobster allergy. Well, that would explain her butter face. Even

City to spend $1.3 million replacing firehouse air filtration systems that violate firefighters' union contract. "I mean, sure, we could wear our masks 24-7," says firefighter, "but then how would we make out?" Minus 3

Buzz Bissinger calls for resignations of Inky columnists Stephen A. Smith and John Grogan. Grogan clutches the urn of his dead dog Marley and asks why Mr. Buzz is being so mean to him. Marley barks once, then says, in perfect English, "It is time to kill again, John." Plus 2

Shot putters from Germantown High track team save elderly woman from house fire. The only way they know how. Plus 5

Merion residents file lawsuit against Barnes Foundation in an attempt to halt move to Center City. Here's an idea: Why don't we find out who Barnes was, dig up his bones and we'll all beat each other over the head with them? Cool? Minus 8

Garrett Reid back in court after trace amounts of morphine show up in drug test. "Oh, now morphine's illegal, too?" says Garrett. "Fuck me. Next you'll tell me it's illegal to crush up oxys, mix 'em with suppositories and horse tranquilizers, melt it all in a spoon and shoot it up my dick hole. Gawd." Even

Philadelphia Zoo tending to Junior, a newborn tamarin monkey. "He's a handful," says zookeeper. "Little bastard just loves matches." Plus 7

City Council votes to require seat belts on public school buses. And delicious candy rainbows for everybody who's having a bad day. Plus 8

2007 Total: Plus 11

More Bell Curve highlights as chosen by the writers of Bell Curve.