OPINION . Loose Canon

Scenes from a Crystal Ball

Predictions for '08.


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Published: Jan 2, 2008

Standing in line at a Food Lion recently, I found myself hungering for the predictions that the Weekly World News used to make around New Year's. Like that Britney's kid sister will give birth to Bat Boy. Or that the president will be abducted by aliens. Which, come to think of it, aren't all that outrageous, and may help explain the tabloid's demise.

Still, my own crystal orb is alight with local lunacy. Though be forewarned: The deity who powers my crystal ball is a just goddess, and she never lets mere facts get in the way of good irony.

Toll clocks Tierney

As the mists clear, I see fields full of houses. Mini-mansions that Toll Brothers can't sell. I predict that the nation's leading sprawlmeisters will "go green" — and help out their former CEO Bruce Toll at the same time. Now a major investor in the Inquirer, Toll will tell CEO Brian Tierney to eliminate all news from the papers, and use shredded, excess newsprint to make straw bales for Toll's new line of sustainable housing: mock-Tudor yurts. I also predict that the braintrust in the White Tower of Truth will invest in hydrogen, claiming that the newspaper's soaring spire would be "perfect for mooring dirigibles."

Two-timing senator splits

There, under a dark cloud, I can make out state Sen. Vince Fumo being pummeled in the polls by challenger Anne Dicker. Having sponsored the unpopular casino bill, the senator hopes to win back the hearts of disgruntled voters by announcing that he will sue himself.

Insiders say that Fumo's split-personality strategy might also be used to thwart federal corruption charges with a Twinkie-style defense. But instead of sugar driving him insane, Fumo will claim that the smell of alpaca poo from his farm "made the Bad Vinnie do it."

Wireless unstrung

Oh, look, there's Greg Goldman, CEO of Philadelphia Wireless, throwing yet another congratulatory party, having brought 1,000 people across the digital divide. At just $1,200 each, Goldman announces that it costs his nonprofit only four times what other broadband customers pay.

"And since no one else uses the service," Goldman will crow, "Philadelphia Wireless customers will have the entire system to themselves." After EarthLink abandons the project, service will be limited to Love Park, where Goldman's former employers at MANNA will treat Philly Wireless customers to cucumber sandwiches and double lattes.

Stuffing the peace pipe

I predict that urban-blight activist Mary Tracy, billboard lawyer Carl Primavera and zoning board chief David Auspitz will meet soon in Penn Treaty Park to share a peace pipe. "Just for old times' sake," says Tracy. "Now that we have green zoning laws that everyone understands, we're all out of work."

Penn Praxis waterfront planner Harris Steinberg will also attend. But, look, just as he lifts the pipe to his mouth, he slips it instead to Auspitz. "Sorry," says Steinberg, "as much as I'm with you in spirit, the William Penn Foundation won't let me inhale."

Eddie loses green for gold

Having contracted a severe case of gout, Gov. Ed Rendell will switch jobs with David Cohen, executive vice president of Comcast. "Now that Obama says he'd bring in Arnold Schwarzenegger as EPA head, "I can wipe off this green wash, and go for the gold. Besides, no one will notice anyway." The governor will keep his cell phone "just in case Alycia calls again."

(bruce@schimmel.com)