The Bell Curve

When news breaks in Philadelphia, we make jokes.

Archbishop Ryan High outlaws educational STD video, claiming it contradicts teachings of Church. Specifically, the oft-ignored 11th Commandment: Thou shalt let it burn. Minus 7

Michael Nutter delays first budget address until Valentine's Day to wait for Commissioner Charles Ramsey to report on crime plan funding. On their way to a B&B in Cape May for the weekend. Even

Newly formed animal cruelty hot line receives flood of tips from Philadelphia area. Primarily from the area between Tír Na Nóg and Society Hill Towers. Plus 2

Broad Street subway riders terrorized by gang of teenage girls. "They kept demanding Chocolate and threatening to whip out their Razrs," says victim. Plus 1

Mayor Nutter replaces John Street's last-minute committee appointees — including son Sharif Street — with his own personnel. So, good luck on that zoning board, Olivia. Plus 3

Britt Reid pleads guilty to driving under the influence of a controlled substance. In his butthole. Even

PATCO seeks public input on proposal to extend transit service to Delaware Avenue. "Yes, yes, oh God, yes," says public. Plus 3

Police catch suspect accused of attempting identity theft on high-profile individuals like Ed Rendell, Michael Nutter and Will Smith. It's Joe Conklin. Plus 1

Five-alarm fire engulfs warehouse in Kensington. "Pity. Guess you won't be needing that scorched lot," says representative from SugarHouse. "Mind if we have a looksy-loo?" Minus 1

Total Pluses: 10

Total Minuses: 8

This Week's Total: 2

Last Week's Total: -6