Mutilation Nation

Philly's sexy and scray come out for a spot on "Sideshow"

by A.D. Amorosi

When Philadelphia painter R.A. Brown announced he had interested several networks in "Sideshow Nation," a variety show concept that mixed elements of old-school striptease, musical vaudeville and carnival freak-a-deakery, you knew not to expect its Sunday casting call at the North Star to look like a Mike Lemon session. Anonymously I'm told that the Learning Channel and Viacom have expressed interest in this program — one that'll follow the lives and exploits of those who "win" the auditions.

With Candy Mayhem (of the Hellcat Girls) as receptionist/greeter and drag doyenne Needles Jones as host, the stage was set, surely, for something wily and feminine. "There's lots of burlesque girls signed up," said Mayhem with a wild smile, pointing to Philly's Melissa Bang Bang and Heather Henderson. They danced behind large ostrich feathers and peeled down to their pasties.

Or like Lil' Steph, the "Five Foot Firecracker," who did a "Naughty Housewife" routine that left her bare-assed.

There were area guys in on the mischief, too, such as Ukes of Earl who belted out "Hungry Like the Wolf" with a loud "Can I get a whoop whoop" at the bridge. But the Human Pincushion and the guys lining up on beds of nails proved most exciting. To some. "Too much self-mutilation for my taste," said judge Jenny Balls.

"I'm getting ready to swallow a few swords tonight," said Jelly Boy the Clown from West Philly's Carnivolution troupe, wiping the greasepaint from his eye. Mathew Broomfield will do what he calls a "bed of nails sandwich" with a sledgehammer.

While one magician/fire artist, Barry Silver, told me how deadly and dangerous his art form is, he stated how great it would be to share his brand of entertainment with a television audience.

"It's about time. I've been doing this since I was 6. If I get on TV it'll be my way of showing off what's most educational to me — my way of teaching the world what I know."

If it's an educational process, I'm uncertain as to what could've been learned from Charlotte Sometimes. "I'm a piercing artist," said the quiet New Yorker wearing kabuki makeup and an orange kimono. To the accompaniment of The Cure, she stripped off her clothes save for tiny black panties and pasties to reveal a thin, pale frame. Then she removed long needles from her skivvies and jammed them — without looking — into her nipples, stomach and, though you couldn't see, her nether regions.

That that act makes everyone wince says something about how innocent this lot truly is. "She's making me want a drink," says Needles Jones, who sustained the only injury of the night when he fell off the stage after jumping out of his heels and tripping on a mic cord. "I was better than all the nail acts," he laughs.

(a_amorosi@citypaper.net)