The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Associated Press investigation turns up traces of 56 pharmaceutical products in Philadelphia drinking water. So that's why our water bills are so high. Minus 5

UPenn dental student robbed, held captive for 12 hours while three suspects watched American Gladiators on his TV. "It was horrifying," he said after being rescued. "Nitro really shit the bed in the Eliminator." Minus 3

Michael Nutter schedules citywide cleanup day for April 5. One day should do it. Plus 5

City Council criticizes Foxwoods Casino's proposed traffic plan. "Oh, were you talking to us?" says Foxwoods, looking up from its Blackberry. Plus 2

Owners of Philly's fledgling MLS franchise consider letting fans name the team. Get ready for The FC Reál Chester Who-Gives-A-Shits. Plus 3

Joey Vento challenges Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to visit Geno's Steaks. "Furthermore I hereby dare the ghost of the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Frank Sinatra, to come down here and duet 'Summer Wind' with me." Minus 4

Michael Nutter and the actor who plays Wire stickup artist Omar Little spotted at city restaurant drinking $750 bottle of champagne. Brandon, Dante, Renaldo ... Michael? Plus 3

Man shows up at Northeast police station with live grenade. Which makes him the richest man in the Northeast. Minus 1

Police discover 3-foot-long alligator during a West Philly drug raid. "He's our drummer," explain crustpunks. "But we might eat him if he misses another practice." Plus 10

Total Pluses: 23

Total Minuses: 13

This Week's Total: 10

Last Week's Total: 12