The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Water commissioner says trace amounts of pharmaceuticals found in city drinking water pose no health threats. "I respectfully disagree," says the seven-headed bear-fish with a permanent erection, basking on the shores of the Delaware. Plus 2

Public forum suggests development ideas for Kimmel Center, including installing a rock-climbing wall, a rooftop playground and vertical gardens. "Shit," says Mervon Mehta. "Why the fuck did we hold that meeting at the Shunk Ave. Gymboree?" Plus 1

Mayor Nutter completes first 100 days in office. Anytime you're ready, Mike. Even

Ethics Board investigating whether John Dougherty's union was responsible for 2007 flier associating Michael Nutter with racial profiling. According to eyewitnesses, the suspect is a red-faced, drunken wire jockey with a sandwich board and an inflatable rat. Minus 2

Michael Nutter holds his own on Colbert Report appearance. Don't worry, Mike. Take your time. Plus 3

Eli Karetny, owner of Club Heat, released from house arrest after nine months. "I'm already plotting my comeback," says Karetny. "I've got four words for you: Club. South. Street. Bridge." Minus 1

Police warn Northeast residents about criminals posing as utility workers. "Can we let them in if they have sandwiches?" ask residents. "No. Not even if they have sandwiches," confirm police. Minus 1

Federal appeals court reduces amount of damage pay owed to homeowners whose property was destroyed in MOVE bombing. "This is a step in the right direction," says city. "Since we are never going to pay anyone anything." Minus 1

Total Pluses: 6

Total Minuses: 5

This Week's Total: 1

Last Week's Total: 2