The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

John Dougherty requests immunity in exchange for defense testimony in federal trial. "Don't read too much into this," says Doc. "I just wanna make sure I don't go to jail for the numerous crimes I've committed." Even

Central High receives $100K grant from the Pennsylvania AARP. Money dispersed in $5 increments inside charming Shoebox greeting cards. Plus 2

Colts wideout Marvin Harrison questioned after shooting incident outside his North Philly car wash. First question: You own a North Philly car wash? Minus 3

Former CBS3 reporter Dick Standish faints at his retirement party at Finnegan's Wake after drinking a Coors Light. Bell Curve does not think this is funny at all. Plus 10

Firstrust Bank holds casting call for someone to play its mascot, Trusty. "Guess I'm out of a job," sighs Gouger, the ATM Surcharge Fairy. Even

Mike Schmidt introduces his own Zinfandel. "Like everything else," says Schmidt, "it tastes like mustache." Plus 1

John Bolaris tossed from a mechanical bull at a Flyers block party. "You have served me well, Robo-Bull," bellows Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz. "Now let us fly back to Grumpy Cloud Mountain!" Plus 2

Port Richmond traffic stop uncovers $5 million in cocaine. And a single blue Hug. Plus 1

Total Pluses: 17

Total Minuses: 3

This Week's Total: 14

Last Week's Total: -662