Flyers vs. Penguins Retroactive Drinking Game

Booze away the pain, hockey fans.

by Patrick Rapa

Well, the Flyers are down three games to none in the Eastern Conference Finals. Those freaking Penguins, man. I need a drink. Not to drown my sorrows but to fuel my delusion. I'm just one bender away from convincing myself that Mike Richards and pals can pull off the upset of all upsets in this so-called Pennsylvania Cold War (ugh, so dorky). Who's with me? You are. Grab a bottle. Now, this drinking game starts before the puck drops tonight. So start replaying the entire series in your mind. And drink if:

• One of our top defensemen gets injured in a ridonkulous way that makes you think God is a douche.

• Derian Hatcher gets called for a bullshit penalty that makes you so mad.

• Stupid Sidney Crosby shows his stupid fucking face.

• Simon Gagne remains injured.

• Steve Downie learns a valuable lesson on what not to do.

• Somebody dumps and nobody chases.

• You remember the time a young Vinny Prospal looked like the missing piece to a Flyers Cup run until Chris Therien broke the kid's arm in practice. Thanks again, Bundy.

• Closed captioning hears "R.J. Umberger" but types "Archie Hamburger."

• You hear "Orpik" and think "War Pigs."

• Some bland Versus announcer starts basically sucking Evgeni Malkin's sack just for making a pass.

• Mike Richards wills a goal out of thin air.

• You realize that if Malkin and Crosby are the new Jagr and Lemieux, then Marc Andre Fleury is Tom Barrasso — the eh goalie who just happened to be there.

• Daniel Briere gets cheapshotted.

• Little bitty Danny Briere gets picked up, thrown into Fleury, and then called for a penalty.

• A referee has his head up his butt and has to poop it out just to blow the whistle.

• You realize the Flyers can do this. They can do this. It's not over. Let's go Flyers. Clap-clap, clap-clap-clap.

(pat@citypaper.net)