Monster Moves

Dr. Cube and company invade Philly.

by Joe Pelone

(CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VERSION)

Monster movies rule. Live wrestling rules. It should hold, then, that Kaiju Big Battel rules twice as hard. Based out of Boston, the wrestling/monster/comedy league offers parodies ranging from comic books to Japanese culture, all through the fine art of guys dressed in rubber suits smashing stuff. The league's upcoming show at the Troc, Shpadoinkel Mania VII, offers something for dorks of every color: There are legitimate wrestling moves for sports entertainment fans; monsters for the sci-fi buffs; and for the literate bunch, wizard rock act Harry and the Potters is set to open. But mostly, there's smashing and bashing. Like other wrestling promotions, Kaiju uses factions to keep the story and fighting going. There are a handful of groups, including heroes and rogues, that battle up and down the East Coast. Everybody loves to hate a bad guy, though, and that's where Dr. Cube and his Posse come into play. A Nazi experiment turned surgeon, Dr. Cube creates menacing monsters to do his bidding and generally ruin social occasions. The doctor himself is pretty intimidating, too, what with his weapons, blood-stained scrubs and large, unblinking square head. The only thing more painful than those corners and ornery expression is his hateful, hateful wit. Via the safety of e-mail, we managed to track down ol' block head and ask him a few questions.

City Paper: So, Doctor, what's your mission statement?

Dr. Cube: Simply put, world domination. My mission is to rule the world and enslave the human race with my army of giant city-crushing monsters and mind-controlled minions. 

CP: Why the cube head?

DC: Have you never seen a helmet? People with brains often wear helmets to protect their gray matter from damage. Maybe you should try wearing a helmet? Or maybe it's too late. Were you dropped on your head as a child?

CP: What are your plans for Philadelphia?

DC: I plan on enslaving the citizens with my army of sinister monsters. And if you resist I plan on razing the city flat, so you can all rummage through heaps of rubble, trash and desperation and ask yourself, "Why didn't I have the foresight to join Dr. Cube's Posse before it was too late?"

CP: Harry and the Potters: innocent pop group or purveyors of satanic messages?

DC: Harry and the Potters are as innocent as newborn lambs ... which means they are ripe for corruption. I can guarantee you that by the end of Sunday's Big Battel, the Potters will be the newest members of Dr. Cube's Posse.

CP: Your Posse versus all the Megazords, Voltrons and an Ultraman or two. Who wins?

DC: I win! I may be biased but I am also the creator of the world's greatest army of city-crushing monsters. Voltron and Ultraman, these are children's television programs. I am the real deal and if you don't believe it you better get your dumb ass to the Trocadero. I hope everyone in Philadelphia is as naïve as you because taking over your fair city will be a piece of cake.

Kaiju Big Battel Sun., June 1, 3 p.m., $18.50, Trocadero, 1003 Arch St., 215-922-LIVE, kaiju.com