The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Judge orders Jocelyn "Bonnie" Kirsch to wear monitoring device after she uses stolen credit card to buy candles and bed linens at Target. She shoulda known she'd be caught; she's had a court-ordered Regina Medina device affixed to her ankle for months now. Plus 3

Officials warn beachgoers not to take home mortar shells that wash up on the shore. You're still allowed to take home regular Jersey trash, but only for a night. Minus Duh

Mike Lieberthal signs one-day minor league contract in order to officially retire as a Phillie. Misses afternoon due to injury. Plus 1

Delaware teen laces dad's tea with Tylenol PM so she can hang out with friends. They like to play Weekend at Bernie's. Plus 2

SEPTA bus bursts into flames on Roosevelt Boulevard. It's still the safest vehicle on the Boulevard. Minus 5

CBS3 anchor Larry Mendte investigated by FBI for allegedly hacking into Alycia Lane's Yahoo e-mail account. Oh good, we found Bin Laden then? Plus 7

SEPTA reinstitutes trackless trolleys, but skips South Philly. Last time a trackless trolley rolled down Shunk, they burned it as a witch. Plus 1

Police hunting for intruder who mugged Drexel science professor on campus. "The bastards took my divining rod, phrenology head and alchemy kit," said the professor. "How am I supposed to teach now?" Minus 2

Total Pluses: 14

Total Minuses: 7

This Week's Total: 7

Last Week's Total: -13