The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

John McCain says winning PA will be difficult but possible. "Even if I need to keep my press flacks on the ground for the next 100 years." Minus 1

Test scores for Philly public schools rose for the sixth straight year. "This proves our tests can be doctored," says school official. "I mean, that our kids can be doctored. I mean, that our kids can be doctors." Plus 5

PA to broaden its jury selection pool. Jurists may now be racist toward as many as four (4) distinct ethnic groups. Plus 1

State lawmakers agree on $28.2 billion budget, avoiding last year's partial government shutdown. The new Grays Ferry Gun Emporium and six casinos along the Avenue of the Arts should provide more than enough revenue to finance the Berks County Quail Hunt Thunderdome. Plus 2

Contracts for the city's four municipal unions expired; talks are still under way. "It's tough going," says Mayor Nutter. "They want better health care. And we want to fuck them in the ass." Even

West Philly man is arrested after making YouTube video encouraging people to shoot cops. But given five stars for Sneezy Kitten Versus Box Turtle. Sooo cuuuute!!! Minus 6

Controversial Colt 45 mural in Fishtown is painted over because the area was not zoned for advertising. "We have lost our prettiest and longest-standing monument," says Fishtown "Governor" Hobo O'Hipster. Plus 1

Rendell says he's interested in cabinet position in Obama administration, post-governorship. "Oh sure," says Obama. "You can be the secretary of 'I-busted-my-ass-for-another-candidate.'" Even

Total Pluses: 9

Total Minuses: 7

This Week's Total: 2

Last Week's Total: 48