Time to McPanic?

Why liberals are taking their coffee with cream, sugar and despair.

by David Faris

Being a Democrat and a Philly sports fan has been equally traumatic since the re-election of Ronald Reagan. Watching John McCain and Sarah Palin close Obama's lead over the past week has made Democrats collectively feel like it's Toronto, 1993, and Jim Fregosi just brought in Mitch Williams to protect a lead. Is that Joe Carter coming to bat?

John McCain barreled into this week brandishing that creepy smile and an expanding lead in some national tracking polls, while nervous Democrats have already started their quadrennial flirtation with Canada. Our northern neighbors, however, must feel like the mistress whose lover keeps saying he'll leave his wife and then never does. At some point Canada's going to refuse to meet us at the hotel and stop taking our phone calls.

Meanwhile Sarah Palin hides out in Alaskan summer school cramming for the issues before her debate with Joe Biden. The McCain campaign is unapologetically shielding her from the non-Charlie Gibson media as if she's the 17-year-old with the baby and Meet the Press is the National Enquirer. The idea that candidates for the second-highest office in the land should be able to answer simple questions has been successfully redefined as a central plank in the vast left-wing conspiracy against the heartland.

Never underestimate the speed with which the Republicans distribute their talking points. During the completely justified media frenzy over Palin's record of earmark-loving, bridge-to-nowhere supporting, book-banning and power-abusing, Republican talking heads settled on the idea that the vice presidency is nothing but a kind of medieval apprenticeship. Or as McCain campaign adviser Charlie Black put it, "She's going to learn national security at the foot of the master." At this point these guys aren't even pretending that she's qualified.

Americans apparently welcomed the excellent news that Palin is running for assistant to the regional manager by throwing their support to the McCain-Palin ticket in droves. Obama's eight-point Gallup lead had cratered into a five-point deficit by Monday. Millions of liberals took their Monday morning coffee with cream, sugar and despair. Large gatherings of aging, jingoistic white people chanting "USA" are apparently a lot more inspiring than you might imagine.

In the interests of blind partisanship, there are still some things to be cheerful about — convention bounces usually fade, or in the case of Obama's, they disappear faster than the Mets' lead last September. So McCain is bound to drop back down to Earth by a few points, and by the time you're reading this, he may already have done so. And there are several debates coming up in which Obama can hammer home the point that it's John McCain and the Republicans who have gotten us into the various messes we face.

Speaking of the election, you don't want to wake up on Nov. 5 to a President-elect McCain and then stumble around like Oskar Schindler asking if you could've done more. Obama doesn't need your agonizing, your second-guessing or your threats to flee to Montreal; he needs your time and money. So seriously, put down the damn newspaper and go donate and volunteer. Save the panic for the National League East race.

David Faris is a frequent Slant contributor. To respond to his Slant, or submit one of your own, e-mail your 650-word opinion piece to Brian Howard (bhoward@citypaper.net)