The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

The post office across the street from 30th Street Station is shut down and will reopen as the IRS' Philadelphia headquarters. This is like scrubbing dirt off the sidewalk so your dog can take a shit there. Minus 2

The Franklin Institute is one of 10 honorees for this year's National Medal for Museum and Library Services. "I've buried your medal somewhere in Fairmount Park," says embittered Art Museum. "Why don't you and your 'Real Pirates' start digging?" Plus 2

Ed Rendell nominates Tom Nocella, who is under scrutiny by the Philadelphia Board of Ethics, for Municipal Court judge. "It's just scrutiny," explains Rendell. "If they file charges, then I will tell them to go fuck themselves." Minus 1

Chinatown residents fear that a casino at the Gallery will only feed a gambling habit among Asians. "In other words, it's the perfect location," says Foxwoods. Minus 4

Police find alleged murderer Donald Guy under his grandmother's bed in North Philadelphia. He went willingly, saying he thought his elbow brushed into something that may or may not have been a vibrator. Plus 4

Latrice Bryant sends a letter to her boss, councilman Wilson Goode, apologizing for flashing handmade signs at a City Council meeting insinuating Fox 29 reporter Jeff Cole is a member of the KKK. Strangely, the letter was time-stamped 9 a.m. — three hours before Bryant actually wrote it. Even

A fire damages four offices in City Hall. "Sorry about that," says Fox 29 reporter Jeff Cole. "My burning cross tipped over." Minus 1

Total Pluses: 6

Total Minuses: 8

Total for the Week: -2

Last Week's Total: -15