The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

A CBS3 helicopter is forced to make an emergency landing at an elementary school in the Northeast. Where it is worshipped as a god. Even

Reputed mobster Marty Angelina could be sent back to prison for associating with convicted felons for the second time. "I live in South Philly!" he says. "What am I supposed to do, lock myself in my basement?" Plus 2

Citizens groups ask Mayor Nutter for stricter regulations for the homeless on the Benjamin Franklin Parkway. "No, no, no, think of us as kinetic sculptures, in keeping with the artistic mission of this American Champs-Élysées," say homeless. "Now, may I have a bite of your soft pretzel?" Minus 1

Michael Nutter privatizes the city's sludge plant. "The government literally can't do shit," he says, and giggles for 15 seconds. Minus 2

The Philadelphia Parking Authority will refund drivers who were caught going through red lights suffering from "premature activation." If you see a green light lasting more than four hours, call a physician. Plus 1

A month after school starts, the Philadelphia School District still has 144 teacher vacancies. And the Pat Croce Teach Yourself Charter School has been a disaster. Minus 6

Barack Obama visits four neighborhoods in Philadelphia last weekend. Commits major gaffe by promising to rebuild Frankford Avenue and catch the bastards who obviously bombed it. Plus 6

Total Pluses: 9

Total Minuses: 9

Total for the Week: 0

Last Week's Total: 14