The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Workers for the nonprofit Citizens' Alliance for Better Neighborhoods testify that Vince Fumo had them do his personal chores, like unfurl the flag at his Margate beach house. The flag is a picture of Fumo's balls. Plus 2

The city awards the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals the contract to provide animal care for Philadelphia. "You know we end up killing most of them, right?" says PSPCA spokesperson. "I am so high right now." Plus 1

Philadelphia holds the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade, the oldest in the country. "The first one was so much raunchier," says Stu Bykofsky. Plus 1

Philadelphia opens its first Christmas Village at Dilworth Plaza. The first one since Stu Bykofsky circumcised the baby Jesus, that is. Plus 1

The U.S. Postal Service plant in Southwest Philadelphia experienced major backlogs this year. "My grandmother waited two months for her Netflix," says SW Philly resident. "But she died before Final Fuck IV got here. For shame, Postal Service. For shame." Minus 5

Governors from across the country meet with President-elect Barack Obama at Independence Hall to ask for federal help during the economic crisis. "No can do," says Obama. "There's an economic crisis." Even

Despite spending $124 million on books, the Philadelphia School District is experiencing a textbook shortage. "I has books," says Fishtown Library in the cutest darn lolcat voice you ever did hear. Minus 6

Philadelphia magazine names the invention of the cheesesteak as the most important moment in the city's last 100 years. Second place was when the Panera Bread opened in Bryn Mawr. Minus 11

Total Pluses: 5

Total Minuses: 22

Total for the Week: -17

Last Week's Total: -2