Doctor Who?

Comedian/designer/virgin expert Doogie Horner is a man of many beards.

by Jimmy Viola

Mike Reali WISH YOU WERE HAIR: Horner's First Timer's Kit: The Safe, Effective Way to Lose your Virginity, much like his standup, is anything but clean-cut.

You might know Doogie Horner as the bearded comic mastermind behind the Ministry of Secret Jokes, a local guerrilla-style traveling comedy show featuring various off-the-cuff shenanigans, yo-mama battles and 8 Mile-style white-people rap-offs. If you've really got your finger on the pulse, you know MSJ's New Year's Eve special just got moved to Connie's Ric Rac in the Italian Market. But what you don't know is that Horner, who hails from Bethlehem but has lived in Philly for a decade, is a published author — and a fake doctor, too. His alter ego, "semi-credible medical expert" Dr. Eric Ryland Horner D.V.M., has written First Timer's Kit: The Safe, Effective Way to Lose Your Virginity, out just in time for holiday gag-giftage. Published by Quirk Books — where Horner, 29, works as a designer — the guide includes a 96-page mini-book, sexual-position diagrams, Heroes of Intercourse trading cards and, for the serious student, a framable Certificate of Copulation.

City Paper: Why did you write a how-to book on virginity?

Doogie Horner: There are a lot of relationship books out there, and they're all a little silly. I wanted to make a relationship book that was ... just over the top. So the First Timer's Kit is written in a very serious, medical tone, and we treat virginity like it's an STD, something very embarrassing. The packaging is designed like a first aid kit, like something the school nurse might hand you, and it screams, "Hey! The person reading this is a virgin! Look over here!"

CP: If you could go back and lose your virginity all over again, how would you do it differently?

DH: Let me begin by saying that if I could go back in time, not having sex with someone isn't the first thing I would do. The best way to lose your virginity is on a slowly sinking ocean liner, or in the middle of a perilous adventure. So, I would start nosing around some unsolved jewel heists until I became embroiled in a dangerous web of intrigue with a mysterious woman. Then I'd book us passage on a disreputable steamer to Bangladesh, and hope that the hand of fate would take care of the rest.

CP: Why is virginity such a hot topic?

DH: Virginity used to be considered an asset, primarily because most people don't like used genitals. But after the advent of acid-washed jeans and penny loafers, people realized that some things are better when they're broken in. Now the pendulum has swung the other way, and modern society unjustly ostracizes virgins; male virgins are considered unmanly, female virgins frigid. But being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. Just remember that you're not the only one; lots of obese, smelly, socially maladjusted and just plain ugly people are virgins, too. So are most nuns and children under 12.

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HALF OFF DEPOT

Why live life at full price?

CP: Tell me about losing your standup virginity. How'd it go?

DH: The first time I did standup was an open mic at Helium. I had panic attacks for a week ahead of time. I didn't want any of my friends to come and witness the awful, embarrassing debacle I was sure would unfold, but I made the mistake of mentioning it to one friend. So of course he got on the phone and told all my other friends. I said, "Please don't come, I'm going to suck," and they said, "We know, that's why we're coming." Assholes. But, surprisingly, I actually did fine my first time. You could tell my friends were disappointed, they wanted to see me eat shit onstage. Afterward I was so relieved, but then I realized, "Oh shit, I have to do that again," and started panicking about the next time.

CP: So why should people buy your book?

DH: There is no other ... product on the market that screams LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY on the cover, and sells for only $15, and is written by men, and comes with a William Shatner trading card. I saw the gap in the market and leapt for it.

CP: What made you write your beginner’s guide?

DH: I wrote this kit to educate people and help them have a positive virginity-losing experience. Also, virgins are very naïve, and I suspected they would be easy to part from their clean, virginal money.

CP: Discuss the credentials of your book-writing alter ego, Dr. Eric Ryland Horner.

DH: I studied at the prestigious Sveriges Riksbank Sexual Institute in Helsinki, where I earned my D.V.M. I know what you’re thinking: the Riksbank Institute’s alternating rhythm plunging technique is dangerous and untested! Well, I say the proof is in the pudding.

CP: What was losing your virginity like?

DH: It was very difficult, because we had sex on a bunk bed, and she insisted we stay on separate bunks.

CP: What is the best song to make love to?

DH: The Beatles, “Yellow Submarine.”

CP: Worst/funniest lovemaking experience you may have had?

DH: One time I was having sex with a girl and she bit my earlobe off. That was funny time. I’d rather not discuss the worst.

CP: What’s your favorite position?

DH: I have two favorite positions: the standing missionary and the ass hat. Standing missionary is nice because I don’t have to stop whatever else I’m doing to have sex. I can continue taking a phone call or playing Pac-Man or whatever. This was also JFK’s favorite position, especially when things were hectic, like during the Cuban missile crisis. The second position, ass hat, isn’t actually very pleasurable, but it’s a good way to pass the time on a rainy day. I just brought it up here to seem interesting.

CP: Describe your standup comedy style. What can one expect from a Doogie Horner routine?

DH: A lot of comics talk about their life, but I don’t do that, because my life is boring. I’d rather talk about cockroaches, long-haul trucker poetry slams, scientists, barbecue, soul singers, pregnant people, breakdancing. Bullshit, mostly. My comedy has little basis in reality. A comic can say, “So I got in a fight with my pastor today … ” and if you can picture the comic in that scene, and if they convince you they really did it, the joke is more powerful. But it’s difficult for me to convince the crowd I really went to the moon, or dated Smurfette.

CP: How is the comedy scene in Philly?

DH: [It’s] vibrant, and it’s expanding. There are a lot more alternative comedy venues now than when I started: bars, theaters, pizza parlor basements. Unconventional venues like that are good because they reach people who don’t typically go to comedy clubs.

CP: Is that where your idea for the Ministry of Secret Jokes came from?

DH: I started the Ministry of Secret Jokes because there aren’t enough venues for standup in Philadelphia. My hope was that holding the show at a bar like Fergie’s would attract people who don’t usually watch standup. Since Fergie’s is an informal setting, I also made the Ministry a little more interactive and fluid than most comedy shows. … We try to allow for a lot of spontaneous humor. It’s more interesting for the audience to know that what’s happening isn’t scripted.

(jimmy.viola@citypaper.net)

The Ministry of Secret of Jokes' New Year's Eve Show, Wed., Dec. 31, 8 p.m.-mid., $10, BYOB, Connie's Ric Rac, 1132 S. Ninth St., ministryofsecretjokes.com.