The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Crews clean up a Kensington house that contained piles of garbage and over 30 cats. "You've incarcerated the mayor and the chief of police!" says Kensington's fire commissioner, Mr. Whiskers. Plus 3

Walnut Street Theater turns 200 years old. "I remember opening night," says Stu Bykofsky. "I sat beside a young Santa Claus." Plus 1

Former Mayor John Street has kept silent about the current budget crisis. Until now. Said Street in an exclusive interview with Bell Curve: "BWAHAHA SUCKERS! YOU THOUGHT THIS SHIT WAS EASY! NOPE! WAITING IN LINE FOR AN IPHONE DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD WHEN YOU'RE STANDING ON A BREAD LINE! IT'S A 'NEW DAY' INDEED! A DAY WITH NO MONEY! HEY, LET'S THROW THE BUMS OUT OF CITY HALL — FIREMEN, LIBRARIANS AND TEENAGE LIFEGUARDS! I BET YOU EVEN MISS MILTON! ADMIT IT! YOU MISS HIM! ENJOY THE NEW DAY, FUCKERS!" Even

Terrell Owens attended an Eagles playoff party at the Sundance Film Festival. Then he went to Vincent Gallo's party at Chili's and ate half a bloomin' onion alone in the corner. Minus 1

The Please Touch Museum acquires The Walking Piano, a sculpture famously used in the movie Big. "Hey great," says Billy, age 6. "The Big piano and the Captain Noah display? Thanks. Say got any Howdy Doody crap back there? Seriously, what the fuck. I'm 6." Plus 1

Hit-and-run victim/CP alum Brian Hickey returns home after amazing recovery. "Hallelujah," says Skeevy Pete, crawling out of a dumpster behind Krupa's. "We're gettin' the band back together!" Plus 10

Total Pluses: 15

Total Minuses: 1

Total for the Week: 14

Last Week's Total: 1