The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

The Shirt Corner at Third and Market closes. Better him than you, Pants Corner. Minus 3

The bribery trial of Councilman Jack Kelly's chief of staff begins. "Our argument is simple," says defense. "No one would try to bribe Jack Kelly's staff, because Jack Kelly has never done anything. Not a single thing. In fact, we defy the prosecution to provide evidence that Jack Kelly is a sentient, corporeal being." Even

The Philadelphia Orchestra raises $3.5 million at its 152nd Anniversary Concert and Ball. "Which'll just about cover the new bassoon," sighs accountant. "We are hemorrhaging money, people." Plus 1

The state restores the license of the Department of Human Services. "Basically, we waited out the media storm and dumped the problem back at the city's feet," says spokesman. "I'm pathologically honest. Did you know that late at night, I sneak down to the kitchen and eat giant spoonfuls of ketchup?" Even

About 1,000 Philadelphians have not been paid for their work on a Bollywood film shot here this summer. The upside? Their protest featured magnificent choreography and a near-kiss! Minus 2

Tara LaRosa of Port Richmond wins her Mixed Martial Arts bout at Friday's Extreme Challenge: War at the Shore. "I want to be very clear," says LaRosa, holding her trophy aloft. "This is NOT for Port Richmond." Plus 3

Kendra Wilkinson, fiancée of Eagle Hank Baskett, graces of the cover of this month's Playboy. "WE HAVE KENDRA'S MYSPACE PICS," shouts philly.com, but the voice is distant and fading, as though from someone falling down a hole. Plus 1 

Total Pluses: 5

Total Minuses: 5

Total for the Week: 0

Last Week's Total: 14